friendship confusion

You know those situations where the boy and girl grow up together, end up friends then fall in love??
well, this is NOT one of those situations....

Ok guys, I don't know what to do. I feel a lot better after talking to Kiara (love you girly!!) but you guys all know about Mike... lol. it's so funny to think of him and smile knowing that I hardly paid attention to him at the May 27th concert... lol

but in all seriousness:

I'm still talking to him. This makes it about three months. At first he was just fun to flirt with but then I started seriously talking to him. It started as not frequently at all and became more often. He isn't exactly the serious conversation type, but I try to blend it in and I've discovered that I really love his personality. I am really trying to get to know him, and I suppose he knows it. From the beginning I've made it clear that I am not a slut, I won't do anything with him. And he knows that. At the movies, yeah he joked around but he never tried anything. He knows. Yet he still keeps texting me. He keeps coming back to me. and he can get really sweet and very genuine sometimes. But I don't know.....

EXAMPLE:
we were texting a couple nights ago because I saw him saturday at work, and after like 4 hours of texting I finally asked him basically, "I still don't understand why you talk to me. lol....... I mean not that I don't love talking to you but you know I'm not what you're after." and he just said "your a friend" ....................
It shouldn't have been, but it was kind of like a stab in the heart....

I don't knowwwwww!!!!!!!!!!!! I told myself I would not let my heart fall for him! He's a player! He is after sex. I know that. and I also know that I won't give that to him! I should be touched that he and I both know these things and he still wants to be friends with me!!!!
but...
i just want....
i dont know. I don't know what I want.


I am NEVER satisfied!!!!!!!!!!


I want to be friends with Mike. I know a relationship would completely ruin that. But I want a chance to be closer to him than his other friends. I mean, I suppose, he has kissed me.... And flirts around with me all the time... Friendships can grow into more right? I thought all good relationships start out as friendships, isn't that how it goes?? But then what happens when he goes to college next year and he turns up MARRIED??!?!?! then what???!?!?! I wasted my heart trying to be more than friends when he didn't want it?? But if I walk away what if I hurt him? What if he is more genuine than I think and I hurt him by not coming out and telling him. i don't know. I'm so confused...

He's nothing like anyone that I've ever been attracted to. Usually my crushes start with me thinking: "I would love to see how we would do as a couple. I think it could work!"
but with Mike, I thought: "lol he's awesome, I'd love to hang out with him!"...
and then I started talking to him.
I found out that he is a really great rapper and he loves to skate. He's really smart and has high expectations and goals for his life. He is comitted to the things he starts, like his job. He is funny and romantic and everything I am looking for in a guy.

I am not a religious person. I believe in God, but I have serious doubts. I have only prayed four times in my life (well not five, but I'll explain that later):

1) when my 1 year old cousin fell out our bay window (8 feet off the ground) onto concrete I prayed that he would be ok. Thankfully, he was perfectly fine! No brain damage or ANYTHING serious at all!! It was a true miracle. that's pretty much the only reason I still believe in religion at all.

2) when my baby Jessy had lymphoma, I prayed that she would get better... it didn't work...

3) when my great grandmother got diagnosed with the same thing 4 months later, I prayed it wouldn't end the same way.... it did....

4) and lately, I have been praying to find my true love. I am hoping it's a 50/50 sorta deal I'm getting here! (not that I don't deeply and honestly love and miss my baby Jessy and GreatMa, but you understand what I mean...)


Everyone in my family met their now husbands and wives in high school or before!!!!! My grandparents were Sunday school sweethearts in 2nd grade!!!!!!!!!!!!! and for me it just hasn't happened. I though Kevin was the one. I believed it. But I was wrong. Everyone keeps telling me to just have fun in high school and I want to!! I am trying!! These next two years are going to be great, I have no doubt!! but I feel like something is missing... You probably think I sound like some 30 year old, single, cat lady. I've always been older mentally than everyone else my age. I have also always been a lot more into romance. I am in love with the idea of getting married and having a family. Have been since 5th grade. Ya know? I don't know why, but I've always been like that. And I have been praying and wishing and hoping that I find my true love this year.
I want to know that I have someone there for me. That I'll never be lonely.

Mike is everything I want, except for one fact: He only wants sex (well, I thought he did... but again, I'll explain later)

Well, I'll give him the benefit of the doubt: he acts like he only wants sex. And I know I can't change him. No one is perfect, and i don't want to change him at ALL. but that's kind of a big deal....

However,
He has said before, he wants a relationship, "a partner not a tag along" (his words not mine!) and I just want to be like "hellOOOOOOOO!!! Right here!!!" but I just need to know how he feels. He's told me that he's "attracted" to me and he did kiss me very sweetly, but there is a part of me that wants to put that off as him trying to play the game and purposely making me fall for him.

Maybe I'm just too much of a cynic!!!!!!!!!! Who am I to say that he has an underlying motive?!!? Or maybe I'm afraid that I'll get my heart broken by a guy who doesn't care (again). But if I don't open up and let SOMEONE in, I'll never find the person I'm supposed to be with.



I guess I'm just not patient enough.
I will give it time.
After he made it clear that we were friends, I said "in that case, I am definitely dragging you bowling" because I've been talking about getting him and one of his friends to come bowling with me and Kiara. and he said "lol do it" so I mean i guess he wants to. I asked him "so you'd be up to that?" and he said "sure" to which I replied "good, because I wasn't taking no for an answer ;)" and the conversation took off from there.

I can't just shut him out. I'm too attached to him. And he thinks of me as a friend. I should OWN that. And I will. I will be the best friend I can to him. and I'll see where it leads. I won't say anything about his little flings. He's had two different girlfriends, one a week, for the past two weeks and now he's single again. If he needs anything, I'll be there (oh yeah, i totally comitted to that!! i'll explain lol) Maybe eventually he'll grow up and realize that there's more to life than the next girl who'll hand her body over to him. Because I won't be one of those girls. I may not be a size 0000 and send provacative pitcures through text message, but I do care about Mike and he'll know that one day. What he decides to do with that information will be out of my control I guess. As much as I don't want to, I just have to wait it out.

But what do you guys thing I should do??? Seriously!!! I need your opinionssss.... lol


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I wrote that entry on saturday night.

On Sunday, one of the people Mike knew who got into a car accident and had been in the hospitol for a week, took a turn for the worst. (He died this morning)

I could not BELIEVE the coincidence in my thinking on saturday night and then the change in Mike when I talked to him on Sunday night.

He and two other people posted prayer request status updates on facebook and I could tell it was affecting him quite a lot, so I decided to repost it saying basically to pray for him, his family and all of his friends and that I don't know him personally but I know people who it seems to be affecting. and a little while after that, Mike, completely out of character, posted this...


"Praying for {insert name here}. I've realized so much tonight and I love you all. It's so sad that I had to learn this way but I've taken life for granted and I want everyone to know I love you and I want to thank you for being in my life."


it made me cry.

so i texted him:

"hey.. you ok?"

"no"

"I'm sorry Mike..... how is he?"

"The doctors said he won't make it"

"i'm sorry.... is there anything i can do???"

"Pray. Please"

"I will sweetie. If you need anything just let me know. k?"

"Yes. Thank you"

"no problem, that's what friends are for"

"Goodnight Kyira. Thank you"

"night Mike."


......

I was astonished. I think this has changed him.


It gives me goosebumps... In a way, isn't that what I asked for?? For him to grow up??....... I feel almost guilty. But I know everything happens for a reason. I am going to be there for him, just like I said. I want him to trust me.

But thanks for listening guys, sorry I didn't use all my different colours lol. it's late and I wanna go to beddddd.

love you guys

~Kyira Lillie