forgive me. and please help?

I have GOT to stop doing this!! lol. I wait two freaking months to update my dearest internet and then I have to spend four hours explaining everything that's happened!...

Oh my...

I have got lots and lots to tell you....
Prepare yourself to be staring at the computer screen for a long while.

:)

Alright, so I left off with the death of Mike's friend right?? whoa. I really do have a lot to explain. Here we go:

So, basically, ever since then, Mike has really changed. We still talk all the time. We are pretty much best friends. He comes to me for all his relationship advice now. (well he used to until i screwed it up... but i'll explain later.) Not to mention, now I am positive with every bone in my body that I truly care about him and have a sincere crush on Mike. SOOOO ironic, considering I haven't talked to Chris since June!! OHHH boy.... gotta love life. (' ).(' )

So, we talk and I go to Office Depot all the time. He started being really sweet to me since last entry.
About a week after that happened, Mike texted me pleading, saying he didn't want to be a player anymore. He wanted a real relationship. He wanted to change. I gave him the best most honest advice I could give even though I was so hurt by having to help him through this with him seemingly not interested in me while I was crying because I was so interested in him. The literally while texting him my heartfelt advice, he says "well I met this 'Mika' girl and she's pretty cool"...

......

are you kidding me?....

yeah, he wasn't. They ended up dating. But Mike is oh so predictable. I esstimated 2 weeks for this relationship. I give him props though, it ended up being 2 weeks and 1 day. ;) yes, I am that good. 8)

So he ignored me the entire time he was with her and then texted me a few days after they broke up and started the same crap: "I don't want to be a player... Help me..." except this time we got off on the conversation of love. He was freaking out saying it was too hard and he couldn't do it and I reassured him wayyyy too much that he totally could. I was so completely obvious, but of course being male he didn't catch it. Another stab through the heart coming! He asked me to find him a girlfriend. "one gorgeous sweetheart". He suggested if I had a single friend to give him her number and I had to put my foot down. I told him that this was ridiculous and I couldn't help him. He said "why not :(" and I basically flat out told him "I'm not about to help the guy I really like get with one of my friends..." he was, surprisingly to me, astonished.
"you really like me?"

well DUHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

"you are the sweetest girl to me and I am such a douche-bag..." blah blah blah... he went on this big rant about how he felt terrible that he hurt me and everything. It was sweet, but I mean, I didn't want him to stop telling me things so I knew I screwed it up by saying I liked him. So I had no choice but to tell him that I was here as his friend first and foremost and that I'd rather watch him go through a girl a week than to become on of those girls and lose him as a friend. He accepted that and went on as if it all never happend. :/

...

But anywho, it didn't really change anything between us. He forgot about it, or so I thought, and we went on as normal. Then in just the past few weeks things changed a LOT.
We were talking one night and I finally just asked him, from a friends point of view, am I pretty? And he said "yeah, I think you are. And so do the people I work with."

WHOA. HOLD UP.

I asked for an explanation, and he didn't say much but what I've gathered since then is they pretty much know me so well because I'm always there and they talk about me all the time. One of his managers says I'm sweet and really cute and evidently told Mike that he should date me. LOL. yeah I know. (but there's more to that part of the story, I'll tell you a bit later.)

So then he started dropping hints that he liked me. He had another moment of "Kyira, help... I don't want to be a player..." I was so fed up that night for whatever reason, and I was being kind of rude: "Well, are you just going to change your mind and go find another 1 week, dumb blonde like last time I gave you the opposite heartfelt advice?" and he was like:

"I don't think so. There is this one girl that I've never dated but always liked. She is really smart so she plays mind games with me and it makes me happy. Maybe I should show her how I feel."

I knew he was talking about me because I had been teasing him and playing tricks with him trying to get him to slip up and admit anything all day long. but I simply replied "I don't care, you do what you want. It's a {insert last name} thing remember? ;)" {we have the same last name so I play off of that a lot. lol. weird I know. BUT WE ARE DEFINITELY NOT RELATED. trust me. I checked....}

But he didn't admit that he liked me.

One night, I got sooooooo angry and was just like "OMG just tell me if you like me or not!!! GOD!!! can't you be straight with someone for ONCE in your life?!?!?"
we had been flirting all day and he was giving me mixed signals and I just snapped... without warning so he was like "where is this coming from sweetie?" ..... grr.
and he still never told me.

A similar thing happened with him insinuating that he liked me and I came back with "well, all the girls I know like that aren't into the 7 day fling." he said "well it might be more" and I wasn't taking his crap "might?? She'd probably want a definite answer. " "then it would definitely be more."

that gave me more hope than anything.

(so I'm gonna go into hyper mode here and tell you the watered down version of the rest because I'm tired...)

We were texting and he was feeling down because at his homecoming dance he was all alone and was just plain lonely. so I asked him to my homecoming. (we live in different counties.) He was soo excited. Then he got sick two days before and his parents wouldn't let him come. But that's beside the point. The same day I asked him I was joking around saying "Well, just tell me if you're coming like the day before. I would appreciate not waiting around for a little skater all night ;)" just being flirty... out of NOWHERE, he says:

"Kyira, I think you're cute. I'm not gonna lie. It's not so much me throwing myself at you, but I really like the fact that we have so much in common and I think that will mean more and more to me as I mature."

I was shocked. "Where did that come from?"

"just my thoughts."

AHH!! it worked!! my plan to be friends and give him space to figure things out for himself worked!! :D

(thats what I thought at the time... now my thoughts have changed, but anyway, that's later)

then a little while later he was like

him "epiphany"
me "who had the epiphany?"
him "me"
me "OHH!! I love epiphanies, what was it about??"
him "you"


long story and many flirty threats and arguments later and he said
"I think I have a crush on you"

"you think? what I don't even get a definite?"

lol i had to push it.

"don't rush me. I'm new to this"

whoa. ok then.

but anyway that doesn't even matter. he ignored me for like 5 days after than so whatever.
so, the day of homecoming comes, (this past friday) and he can't go. But he's still going to work so me and one of my now only two BEST friends Abby drive to see him. I'm all dolled up and in my dress. And I time it perfectly because he's on break and sitting outside. So, we walk over and he acts all innocent but I could see his jaw drop with I got out of my car. 8)

So, we talked and he was bragging about girls but putting each of them down. And his manager came and was just like "hey" like I was part of the Office Depot family... I was there so much that the managers knew me?? that's sad... But then I got an explanation.

"He's the one that said you were a cutie. He told me i should date you. I was like nahhhh." then he winked and laughed with that amazing smile. I slapped him of course and he laughed and kept saying, I'm just kidding I'm just kidding! (he was kidding about not wanting to date me??then why didn't he text me for like 6 days? whatever.)
So we were talking and i had told him about my stalker I have now (long story, not explaning it......... He is a creeper though....) and Mike takes my phone from me and texts this guy
"this is kyira bf. I will whoop ur ass." LOL!!! I was so surprised... why would he do that?? why would he say something like that?? boyfriend?? what the heck! i mean, I know it was just to get the guy to leave me alone, but stilllllllll!!!!.

so then we talked a bit more and he had to get back to work. I stopped him and said now where's my hug?!? He was saying "I have strep, I don't want to get you sick" (sweetest thing he's ever said bc it was about my well being not himself!) and I said "I don't care if you have the plague" as I reached up for my hug. I got a longggggggg, very nice hug... ahhh... I was in heaven...

Then, we walked back to the car and Abby was like "Kyira, he's standing at the door looking at you!" I tried not to look but as we got in the car, I glanced and saw him with another guy (a cute guy lol) at the door talking and pointing at me. ????? I really want to know what they were talking about.....

So yeah. We texted a little bit after the dance. He sent me his latest rap and it was really good. He's going for it actually. He's making a mixtape this weekend with a real recording studio and everything... He really wants to pursue it. and I don't blame him! he's GOOD!! and I told him that, but gave him an honest suggestion to not be so obsessive about sex and how much he can get women to do.. to mix it up. he didn't say much to that. (oh, and before that we were in some converstaion and i flat out told him that I've liked him since his friend died and a big long speal and he didn't say anything.... whatever.) But he answered my long paragraph with "thanks :)"

so i said "its what I'm here for. or so i've been told."

but he didnt respond. So I'm ignoring him for a week..... I can't take this. This back and forth thing.... But Abby says that the way he was talking to me and the way he was acting and everything was NOT the sign of a player. That he has true feelings for me but is afraid to admit them to himself. Along with all his facebook statuses that are CLEARLY about me. He always follows them with a status about girls and how he wants a college girl or whatever. She says he's just playing with my head and scares himself when he posts honest things about me. He wants to make the rest of the world think hes the same old Mike, when he and I both know he's not.

so all in all i have NO clue what to do. I tried waiting, but I can't waste my year waiting around for him.... ya know?


BUT OHH!!! I also found out that we will be going to the same college!....... just my luck right? and we're both in orchestra. A definite class with him... So I will be stuck with him for the next 5 years. no escaping it. lol. I hate life....

Everyone says we are going to end up together.... but i'm tired of waiting on him... so I'm waiting until Saturday (giving on week of waiting on him to contact me first instead of always the other way around and ignoring him if he does or doesnt) and I'm texting him this:

"I have a question for you.

Flat out, straight up, no joke, don't beat around the bush I'm begging you. Am I wasting my time? yes or no. I've been waiting for things to fall into place and you to wake up but it's just not happening. I know you said before that I'd mean more to you as time goes on but quite frankly I'm not usually this patient! I'm surprised I've waited this long! lol. I need to know if wating for you is with it or not. If you honestly want me to be more than a friend or not. Even if it's not right now. Becasue the mixed signals aren't helpful. Just tell me now and save us both the trouble."

So yeah. anywho. that's just my life. lol

love you guys :-*

~Kyira Lillie