Change for the better...

WOW...
I am soo sorry my dearest blog! I have neglected you this summer. I have a legitimate excuse though! I've been taking an online health and PE course (lol that sounds so weird I know.... but I HATE gym and I didn't want to take it senior year sooooo this is my loop-hole!!) and there's been quite an array of drama. I'll begin with the worst...



Well, I have been behind on my online summer class because my great grandma (GreatMa) was diagnosed with Lymphoma (just like Jessy) so we had to drive 6 hours to go see her in the hospital, then she passed away about 2 weeks ago and we had to drive down for the funeral...


Plussss,
Next week will be my 5th try to take my driving test:

1st week- failed.... not my fault though!!

2nd week- didn't have a paper

3rd week- funeral

4th week- she only felt like doing 12 tests that day and I was number 17... BUT!! I'm number 5 next week so hopefully! ;)





Not to mention, at the beginning of the summer I went away to a GOD AWFUL music camp for 2 weeks.... It was torture... They said it would be like All-State string orchestra which I was accepted into last year, but it definitely wasn't half as advanced..

However, I have MAJOR news my beloved followers....



:D


SOO, you remember Chris, the amazing blonde who sat next to me in the joint orchestra concert??? And Mike, the dark-haired angel who sat second chair in their orchestra?? Well, I don't know if I already said this, but I added them both on Facebook!! And I emailed Chris and kept trying to get him to talk to me, with no prevail... But get this::::::


I emailed Mike.... he responded!! and then I got a text message at like 11 at night and it was MIKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HAHA!!

We were texting all summer and I learned that he's kind of a player but he is super flirty which is what I wanted for the summer. He kept urging me to send a provocative picture of myself to him (not like nude or anything, just provocative) but I always stood my ground and said I just couldn't, it wasn't me. And he kept coming back to me!!! I never expected him to because I figured that he was just that type of guy that would shut me off if I didn't give him what he wanted. I even asked him about it and basically told him what I just told you and he said "well, because you're alright ;)" lol... i know.....

He and Chris live in the town next to us, about 30 or so miles away and he works at Office Depot. SOOOO every time we need ink for the printer and have to go there I OF COURSE always make sure I look just a tad bit cuter than a normal summer day ;)

Grama and I had gone there at least 4 times this summer before this last time and he had never been there... but I had a feeling about that day so I made sure I looked as perfect as Kyira-ly possible!!

Sure enough, I went over to the ink section while grama got the paper and he practically came RUNNING over and was like "What are you doing here?!?" with a smile which flattered and very much surprised me because he hadn't texted me in at least a week and a half. So he was an amazing gentleman, nothing like I imagined (granted this was only the 2nd time I had seen him in person and he was at his job) and we had a small conversation and literally as soon as I walked out the doors he texted me "Your a cutie!! ;)" lol.... To which I replied "Then why did you stop texting me??" and he said "Cause i'm a loser. What are you doing tonight?" ROFL! I know right?!?!

So..... we ended up on a date!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! kinda. Well, he drove all the way to my town's movie theatre but he had never been that far alone so he brought one of his guy friends but all of my girls were out of town or too busy!!! {**KIARA!!! :'( **} So I ended up walking down the hallway to our movie's theatre with two HOTTTT 17 year olds 0:) and who do I see walking the other way who looks astonished??? Gabe... HAHAHAHAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it was hilarious.

So, we all sat together at first, in the middle of the theatre so I figured that he may actually be a gentleman!!!

............................... I was wrong ......................

lol

He ended up getting me to the back and then we kinda, sorta ended up making-out the entire movie.........

It wasn't just like meaningless or anything though, well at least to me it wasn't... It may have simply been me falling for his well planned trap, but he was very sweet and romantic and just made me feel so special without being all serious... it was amazing. It's like, I didn't know a guy could be that romantic and yet light and comical at the same time!! It was just like a romance movie.


But now back to the cold, hard reality of my life, he has hardly talked to me since. Long story short, Abby was one of the people that was supposed to come with me on the date but she couldn't come so I texted him (in my defense he told me when we left the theatre "text me, facebook me, anything. :)" ) and, I asked him about a do-over double date and the first time he was like "yeah :) just let me know when" but the next day I told him when I was thinking and he was being all laconic and rude and ended up saying "I'll let you know." WHATEVER!!!!!! So I tried changing the subject and just tried to hold a conversation normally, but he wasn't having any of that either!! So I eventually said screw it and told him "Well, just get back to me if you want to go, if not whatever." and he was like "Ok. peace" .................. grrrrr ..........

But, let's just put it this way,
that all went down on monday, and our date is supposed to be this upcoming monday so if he doesn't text me by then, I'll be making a trip to Office Depot. ;) I won't seek him out or say a word to him if he doesn't say anything to me, but he'll get my message. I walked in there and came out with a date and I was simply wearing converses, jeans and a modest top. lol. He's the type of guy that goes a lot by what he sees.
trust me.
He will DEFINITELY get the point when I walk in there wearing the stilettos, my white short, and an amazing one shoulder top that I ordered from wetseal on that same day.

0:)



This year, and maybe even senior year, I don't want to be seeking a serious relationship. I suppose if the right guy comes along and we do end up together I'm not going to suppress my feelings, but I don't want to search and long for a serious relationship. I have discovered that even though I may dislike my body and think that I'm not that attractive, everyone else seems to see me completely differently! Every single guy that I have ever even come close to dating has told me, sincerely, that I'm beautiful. And come onnnnnnn..... I walked into office depot and came out with a date 5 minutes later!!!!!!! lol So, I've decided to make a few goals for this year:

1. I want to completely shut Kevin out of my life..... As hard as that is for me to admit because I know that I still love him, I have to let him go. He's at that boarding school now and I don't have to see him everyday so there's no point in me talking about him at all. I texted him happy birthday and I didn't even recieve a simple 'thank you'... It may not have bothered me THAT much if I had not have learned that Kiara facebooked him "happy birthday" to which he said "thanks".... !!!!!!!!! Kiara and Kevin practically hate eachother.... they only tolerated one another for two years because of me. and he can say thank you to my best friend and not me?!?! whatever. so I need to do this for myself. I may try to reconnect with him in a year or so... but until then, I need to live my own life, without him in it.
2. I also want to be more spontaneous and outgoing when it comes to guys (and really everything in my life). I'll be (HHOOPPPEEFULLYYY) getting my license next week (LOL) and I just want to go out on friday nights with guy friends or dates you know? Like I said before, I want to just flirt and have fun and not get my heart involved too deeply. Hell, I am STILLL trying to recover from my break up with Kevin and it's been almost a year!!!!! (sept. 14th will be one year... lol... idk why i remember that, it definitely wasn't the absolute worst day of my life... :'( {Jessy} ) So I just need time to have fun and let my heart fully heal so that it'll be in one piece when I give it away again.

**SIGH** I totally can't wait for junior year... 10 days!!!!! I'm so excited. I really hope it'll be a good year, which I think it will. :) I thought that because of all the bad things happening lately that my life was falling apart and I did something to deserve it. But I think I'm starting to realize that bad things have ALWAYS been happening, they never stop, and it just seems so stressful now because I was shielded from them when I was younger. Just this past few years, I've taken my focus off of myself and started noticing all of these things. It's a LOT to deal with and it's REALLY hard. But I guess it kind of makes it worth while because I've also started truly noticing the good things too. I appreciate them. Like buying my first car (OMG i'll upload a pic to the picture page of my blog!! OHH!! and PLEASE comment on my book page... I need motivation...), and going on a date with Mike, getting my hair permed (still not sure if i like it lol), and hanging out with Kiara... Things like that.

I guess all I'm trying to say is, this year is going to be different. And I can not WAITTT!!! :D

hakuna matata!! ;)

~Kyira Lillie~

best friends??

I begin to open my eyes to that which has been concealed behind shades of youthful ignorance....

I am writing a short story about the betrayal that has been thrust my direction as of the past few months; above is the opening sentence. It is not so much a structured, developing plot sort of anecdote, but rather a life philosophy sort of thing.

Speaking of life philosophy, I really want to write a book of highschool philosophy: basically all the things that I've discovered and put into words while being in highschool. I think it would be pretty kool... I have a little poem book filled with paragraphs about random things that I recently realized and things I've been through, so it wouldn't be that hard to bind it into a book. and speaking of that, I should start writing some of them here!! :) after all, what is the point of poetry if not shared with at least someone.

ANYWHO, I have a lot to get out of my system... lol... This may take awhile. (I also fixed my spacing issue with the blog!! Can't you tell!! uh, so much easier. lol)

now, **looks to ceiling** where to begin? Oh yes, we will begin with Kevin... He has really been getting to me lately... I mean, since september (the break up) he has never really stopped getting under my skin but now it's even more amplified. You see, he has been flirting and talking to one of my, now ex, best friends, Lauren.... The worst part is, Lauren always flirts back! (the reason behind the above mentioned "ex" prefix attached to the "best friend" equation.) I realize that I shouldn't let guys come in between me and my girlfriends but I'm sorry: she was my friend before she even knew him and she knows how hard it is to see him everyday without him and her being all over eachother. Lauren swears that she isn't dating in highschool and I have got legit confirmation that Kevin has recently said that he doesn't want to date anymore in highschool either. (which brings me a bit of happiness; maybe he was infact affected by the breakup.)

Luckily, and unluckily, I only have to see him 20 more days and counting... It's contridictory because I mean I truly think I hate him for all he put me through, but then again, I loved him with my entire heart for over a year and a half and now I only have 20 more days before he's gone from my life forever... I may never see the likes of Kevin again....... It's sort of depressing... Especially because we didn't end on very good terms. Hey! It's not entirely my fault though! You would be clingy-depressed-not-on-good-terms too if someone you've given your full heart to tells you "I love you more than anything, I want to marry you, I want to die with you, blah blah BLAHHHH" one second and literally the NEXT moment, you ask him which he would choose, you or some boarding school that's just going to screw up everyones life and he says "I don't know."------------- >:[

adlkchoaiw$%^&*3287jn;oc9u9hon2*q3[80dfyuqh##@ne&^o!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

yeah... I am bitter... sue me... you would be too granted that you were in my predicament.

A best friend backstabbing another best friend is the worst kind of betrayal you can have. Think about it: when you're in a relationship, no matter how stable, it always eventually crosses your mind that they might end up hurting you. and your family; it isn't a family if there's no arguing and rivalry... but best friends.... you trust them with your secrets, they listen to you cry when your frog dies, you never EVER doubt their loyalty..... until they give you a reason to..... which is what she did.... it was out of nowhere! She knew I wasn't dealing with it well, and she tried comforting.... then she ignored me and became best friends with him.

The reason I bring this up now is partially because she started giving him the cold shoulder about a week and a half ago and we started talking a little again. She even gained a bit of my trust back, but then just like before she started completely blowing me off and now they're attached at the hip even more then last time!!! I just don't understand it...

I'm a bit upset at practically ALL of my girlfriends too... Every one of the girls that I hang out with were best friends with me before they were best friends with Kevin. NOW, it seems like all of them are abandoning me right when I make a break through! I know that I've been having a hard time accepting that it's over and we'll never have another chance with each other but about a month ago I finally seemed to stop loving him. I know he'll always have a pretty big piece of my heart but I really don't think I am in love with him any longer. And right when I hit this breaking point in my sophomore life, all of my friends are leaving me for him!! OK, well not all of them... But I really only trust about three of them whole-heartedly:

Kiara- who is going to re-date a more immature CLONE of Kevin over the summer....

Abby- who is going through a rough time of her own, so I want to be there for her not the other way around... and

Scarlet- who seems to pretend that Kevin has done NOTHING to one of her best friends..... I mean I know she is friends with him... and I know she doesn't hold grudges, especially because he hasn't done anything to her, but he's still hurting me day after day.... and she keeps getting closer and closer to the back-stabbing MALE in question...

I guess I can't complain. I know there are many homeless animals who've been through worse. Not to mention, it was pretty hilarious the other day in English. See, Kevin has always been a bit worse than me in English, so being in the same English class kind of bugs him. At least, at the beginning of the year it did. Well, anyway, last week our teacher was talking about Julius Caesar (we are reading the play) and she was talking about how Caesar talks in 3rd person. She asks us something along the lines of "what kind of people do you think talk like that?" and Kevin said "Kevin does." (which he really does, ALLLL the time!! It's incredibly annoying.) I don't think our teacher heard him and a few seconds later she goes on a ran about how she thinks that people who talk in 3rd person like Caesar are arrogant and conceited!! HA!!!! It was sooooooo deadly funny to see his face! I was literally giggling. I only wish I could have seen Lauren's face but she now sits directly behind me. (She got up in the middle of class the day before that and moved directly across the room from me and sat behind Kevin... Not only that, but she MOVED HER DESK to the middle of the isle to sit RIGHT next to him!!!!!! When Mrs. Nelson told her to move back {a half hour later; she's a very laid back teacher} she threw a fight and was saying "but all the ignorant people are over there" and a bunch of crap like that!!!!!!!!!!!! I WAS ASTONISHED!!!!! She thinks she's all 'high and prestigious' because all she ever reads is Jane Austen and she has a more extensive vocabulary than the average southerner. I guarantee that if she read any of my writing, she would realize that I am her equal, not even close to below her. It's also an added bonus that I was born in the North!!)

But alright, it's late and we have testing this week at school. I still have more to vent about, but I suppose that will have to wait a little while. Till then, may you guys have better luck with life than I have this year! ;)

~Kyira Lillie