Seems Like Heaven...

There comes a point when you realize you only have one shot at life. That point has come for me. I'm done being the little, nervous, quiet girl in the background. From this point forward I am going to say what I think, feel however I choose to feel, be what ever I want to be, go after the things that I long for, and never give up my dreams.

I talked to John! :)

Strike that: he talked to ME!

Explaination:

Last thursday I woke up feeling good so I decided to look nice and do my makeup right and the whole nine yards. I chose a GOOOOOD day to do it too. I walk into the school and see John texting away walking the opposite direction as me. I figure 'OK, whatever'. So I go to the choir director to get the keys to unlock the orchestra room like I do every morning. I walk out with the keys and out of no where John is there looking at me!

"Hey, are you unlocking the orchestra room?"

{OK Kyira, just breathe.}

"Yeah. We usually do every morning." *smile*

"I went to go get a janitor and they said that Banks {(choir director=Mr. Banks)} has the keys."

"Yeah, one of us comes and gets the keys and opens it in the mornings."

*I open the door for him*

"Thanks." *smile*

"You're welcome." *smile*

{OMG Kyira, you can't just leave it at that!!}

"So, are you excited about the musical?"

"Yeah, this will be my first one so I'm pretty excited."

"Yeah, it gets a lot more fun after next weeks rehearsals til 7 all week."

"Oh, yeah not looking forward to that." *smile*

*giggle* "That's usually the week that Mr. Adams {(Mr. Adams=orchestra director)} freaks out because we don't know the music. Then we nail it the first show and it's all good." *smile*

*chuckle* "Well, that's a positive."

*We both walk out the door* I figured that would be the end of the coversation and I was totally content with it, then he turns and looks at me and proceeds

"See ya"

"Bye." *insanly HUGE smile*

I was on TOP OF THE WORLD allllllllll day long. I would have been happy leaving it at that, but Abby told me that since it was so easy I HAD to talk to him again at pit practice.

So, I did! But again, he talked to me first!!

John was on his phone in the back of the room so we walked towards him to go out the door in the back but it was closed so I was like "crap, can't go out that one" So we walked towards the front right in front of John and he was looking at the floor so I stopped and looked at him and kind of giggled. He looked up at me and smiled a little.

"There's a bubble in the floor."

"what??" *giggle*

"Look, don't you see it!?"

*smile* "huh. Yeah I see it" *giggle*

"Come here, step on it."

*i step on the bubble in the linolium floor* *giggle* "that's awesome."

(Abby) "Our poor orchestra room's falling apart."

(John) *smile*

(me) "Yeah, we're just retro like that." *smile and walk away*

I don't even know if he was still on the phone or not but he talked to me... twice in one day. I have to keep this up.

I also found out friday that his girlfriend isn't the most pleasant.

Kiara's friends Laura and Aaron don't like her. Apparently Laura told her off because she was flirting with her boyfriend. Now, I'm not too fond of Laura but whatever. Then I've been talking to Aaron a little more than average and he doesn't like John's gf either! He says that she flirts with anything that has a pulse and she's just not a good girlfriend.

I kind of suspected she was that type, because almost every time I see them together, she's always talking to her friends or making him do something. EXAMPLE: One day I walked past them and he was holding her Victoria Secret back and she said "Well the least you can do is turn it around!" (talking about the way he set down her bag). Then, Abby and I were walking down to my locker and she was talking to her friend while John was trying to put a paper in her bag for her...

It is so sad that he settles for that when a guy like him could find so much better.

But I don't think he thinks that. Kevin is the type of person who is conceited and KNOWS he's cute. But John doesn't seem to be like that. I don't think he realizes how great of a guy he is. :)

I will try to talk to him as much as I can without seeming really really obvious or stalker-ish from now on. Like I said, I have to go after what I want. I may be going out on a tiny limb here, but what's the worst that can happen?? I'm just a sophomore. Rejection will come and go in my life, I might as well try for the things I want instead of watching them pass me by. He will be a senior next year, I can't keep waiting for my "true love" to find me like I'm in some sort of disney movie, I just have to go with the old process of trial and error.

I don't know if God can help with things like high school romance, in fact I'm not even sure if I believe in him at all! But, I definitely don't believe in coincidences, so I will simply keep going on whatever faith I do have and whatever my heart tells me to do. I've been listening to my head and now it's time to listen to my heart.

Wish me luck!! :)

March text entries

OK, so I know it's been really confusing to read these so I'm going to put them all together :)

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Monday, March 1, 2010

I despise the race of high schoolers consistent of ignorant, rude girls who think they rule the world. I'm not stupid, I know my place in the heirarchy of this school, but every once and a while, like a miniature civil war of the school, we clashed...
But anywho... I'm over it now. Like I wanted to say before:
I am now questioning John... I found out today that one of my best friends, Summer, is in the same class as his gf and Summer told me today that a few weeks ago, this freshman, let's call him Gabe, was completely trying to get her mad at me. Apparently Gabe was telling Johns gf "oh I know this girl who likes your boyfriend!" and luckily Summer save it and explained "no, she was just talking about him being in the same class as her Gabe!". Then after that she totally went off on him for me. See he sits with us in the morning and well he sees me looking at him and kinda questioned me about it but I never thought he'd do something like that!!!! Ugh!!!
This makes my hate for freshmen run even deeper... If that's even possible.
But I'm at lunch so I will finish my conversation later.
TaTa!! :)
Posted by Kyira Lillie at 12:31 PM
***
OH!! However, I forgot to mention: this morning, me and my best friend in the world, Kiara, were walking to homeroom and she said, as we walked past him, that John totally looked at me. Lol. She's great. But idk if I believe his games anymore. I'll start believing it again when he breaks up with his girlfriend.
But now Scarlet is bothering me so I have to go.
Posted by Kyira Lillie at 1:30 PM

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Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Ok... This is frustrating... We had a tornado drill just a minute ago and Landon came, completely blew off Kevin, and stood right next to me... Unfortunately I was right next to Scarlet. I felt so bad!! Ugh..... Highschool troubles.
Posted by Kyira Lillie at 10:21 AM
***
So my goal for the rest of the day, I have decided, is that I can not look at him, look FOR him, let alone make eye contact for the rest of the day (speaking of John). Which will be hard during musical out practice.... But I can do it!! :) I'm going to work on my book now. :)
Posted by Kyira Lillie at 12:07 PM

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Thursday, March 4, 2010

Decision time
So I've officially made my decision about John...
He's nice to look at, VERY nicceeee... But he has a girlfriend, and walking down the hallway earlier this morning and I was about to tell him "the orchestra rooms open" because he was going to put his guitar away and I had just unlocked the door, but walking down in opposite directions, he didn't even GLANCE at me...
I am giving up with that until he breaks up with his girlfriend.
As for Landon?? Well, he's great to talk to but when I look at him and talk to him, he looks and me and responds different than he does to all his other friends... So idk anymore. A guy like that could never like me like that.
But he's still my Ghost Hunters buddy. :)
Posted by Kyira Lillie at 8:07 AM

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Monday, March 8, 2010

I've decided that I've been very ignorant and naive about my entire life as it exsists right now.
I do not under any circumstances like Landon. That's just stupid. I think it was purely rebound and/or jealousy.
John is incredibly content with his girlfriend and shows no interest what-so-ever in me.
So as for me right now, I'm done dating in highschool. :) guys just don't have maturity in highschool. I know I've said before that I wasn't dating anymore in highschool but this time I mean it. I know what you're thinking and I mean it, I really am done.
Let me inform you, I tried almost 5 times before to become a vegetarian and I broke down after only 2 weeks tops, with no prevail. (I've now been a vegetarian for 2 years)
Posted by Kyira Lillie at 1:37 PM
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Love is having the ability to forgive. When two people are in love, it isn't a fairy tale. They argue and hardly ever agree. But they can never stay angry for all of a day.
Love is a choice. If you are truly in love with someone, it is by your knowledge and decision. You choose each and every day to say the things you do. Love is a choice, you don't have to choose that path. When youre in love with someone, it doesn't mean that you are forced to be with them forever, it means that you would do anything to stay with them. Being in love is having the ability to work through problems to stay together. ANY two people in the world can be with eachother for the rest of their lives if they are comitted yet the same two people can be together for a short week. It all depends on which path you take.
**God, send me down the path of love and please make sure the guy that always seems to appear in my dreams is waiting along the way somewhere. And if it isn't too much to ask, please help me walk down that path to him as fast as possible.**
lame prayer, I know. But I was feeling it.
Just my thoughts.

And dreams.

And needs.
Posted by Kyira Lillie at 10:15 PM

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Tuesday, March 9, 2010

So, I am really superstitious and stuff but I kinda subconsciously know that it's just a fun thing that doesn't mean anything but occassionally I believe it.
For example- it may be a coincidence, but a couple years ago I saw 7 crow (which if you aren't familiar with the superstition means death) and the next day I found out that my next door neighbor stabbed and killed his broher!
But anywho, my horoscope today says:
"Romantic love isn't friendship, and right now you need to understand the difference. If you settle for a relationship with a friend you like but don't love, your life could become stale and lifeless. Don't ever settle for less; instead, hold out for the whole package."
So I honestly think it's a sign. I was mistaking my friendship with Landon as something that could be more, which isn't right. So I definitely don't like Landon.
And I most definitely DESPISE his beat friend!........
Ok, so I told myself that I wasn't going to talk about Kevin here, but I really do hate him. (don't anyone be thinking "hate is a strong word" because so is "love" and people throw that out like nothing!!!)
But ok, I'll finish this discussion later.....
Posted by Kyira Lillie at 1:36 PM

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Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Forget about Kevin, I've given up with that. I mean, don't get me wrong I hate him with a passion but I don't want to talk about that.
I have bigger news.
So, one of my best best friends who I seem to be getting a LOT closer to lately, Abby, is basically the only person short of Kiara that I talk to about John. But anyway, I'll tell you what I told her:
Well..... So the other day (I'm not sure if I told you this or not) John was totally stalling. After pit practice I was talking to my orchestra teacher and us three were the only people left in the room. It seemed to me that John was doing everythingin his power to stay in the room. He was messing with his shoe, playing with the piano, anything! Finally I guess he realized that I wasn't leaving so he walked out of the room slowly.
:)
Then yesterday, (it was probably because my two friends and I were laughing really hard but) he kept looking at me.
It was always me never the other two. Meanwhile I was texting Abby every chance I could get and she finally said "this guy seems really into you! You should go for it! You need to go after him ASAP!!!"
I asked her what I was supposed to say and she never really gave me an answer. So I tried to improvise but my plan was taken out of motion when he was on his cell phone and ran out before I could even put my violin away. I figured hope was lost but then Grama let me drive home and I pulled up to the stoplight RIGHT next to his car and his mom was driving so he was in the passenger seat LITERALLY TOUCH DISTANCE AWAY!!!
Needless to say, I was freaking out. I looked over there but he was talking to his mom but I thought I saw him turn back from looking my direction but I'm not positive. Either way!!!!! I was insanely ecstatic!!
Abby says I need to talk to him and I know she's right but I'm not sure what I should say??!!!! I mean, like I told her, I have to have a conversation topic planned otherwise I'll probably walk up to him, say something about peanut butter and run the other direction! Ok maybe not that severe, but you get the point. :)
The musical is in two short weeks. After that, I don't have an excuse to talk to him. So it's set, I have to say something this week.... I don't know how this is going to go, but I'm going to go for it.
Yes yes yes. I know I said that I wasn't dating in high school but I mean technically I'm not so I haven't broken my vow. The thing is, John seems like the perfect guy for me.... Blue eyes, older than me, cute, musical, sweet, adorable, funny, gentlemanly, HOT, taller than me, good personality, DROP DEAD GORGEOUS!!!!!!!
So I have to do this. I'm not going after some average high school guy, I'm going after my DREAM guy. Surely there's a vow exception for that. :)
Posted by Kyira Lillie at 9:40 AM

No thank you dream catcher :(

Well, I had the most bizarre dream last night and couldn't wait to write it down.

Alright, first I have to kind of update you on some people. So, you know Kevin... well, before I went out with him I actually had a major crush on his best friend, Landon. Also at this time, Scarlet liked Kevin (she even went on a date with him... very awkward....). But a few weeks ago, Scarlet told me that she likes Landon!! Now, Scarlet, Landon and Kevin have all been great friends since before I met them so this was a HUGE shock. But on Wednesday last week me Scarlet and Landon were all talking in English but.... uhh.... Landon kind of ignored her and was talking to me almost the entire time! I couldn't be rude not to mention I am a talk-a-holic so of course I was joking around with him and talking up a storm.

After that class I apologized to Scarlet and said that I wasn't trying to flirt with him or go after him or anything like that and she told me that she really didn't care if I did. She said it was just too painful to like him because she "knew" she would never be with him. So she claims now that she doesn't like him.

And we have a problem...

........................

I think maybe possibly a wee bit slightly that my tiny crush on him is coming back....

BUT I think it's partially sub-consciencely!

{which brings me to my dream}

ok, so last night I had a dream:

I was at my house along with like all my relatives and John was there with his girlfriend and Landon was there. So, it was kind of a weird dream because it came in little parts; nothing really flowed right. Kinda like random scenes mixed around. One time I went to my room and John was sitting on my bed and he smiled at me, then he was kissing his girlfriend in the basement, then he like winked at me and then he was playing around with her outside. In between some of these random scenes were just me and Landon having friendly conversations, like we do at school, just joking around being friends.

So you know that feeling you get when you like someone and they notice you; that stomach-dropped butterfly sorta feeling? I DIDNT KNOW YOU COULD GET THAT FEELING IN A DREAM!!!! but apparently you can.

So after I saw Kevin and his gf outside walking together I was kinda bummed so I got my laptop and sat on the couch. I was looking at like cars or something and Landon came to sit next to me. We were just talking about the cars and stuff, laughing and having fun and then once we stopped laughing, he randomly put his arm around me.

my.... stomach.... DROPPED

what the heck!

What's worse?? In the dream I smiled!!!

Then I proceeded to put my laptop down and lay my head on his shoulder! He kissed my forehead and wrapped his arms around me!

even if I was asleep how could I betray Scarlet!....... I don't know...

But I didn't want to wake up......

It felt amazing to just be curled up with someone who seemed to actually like me.

And I'm ashamed to say that two thoughts were going through my head when I woke up:

1) the phrase "All is fair in love and war"

2) I wanted more than anything for that dream to come true...

ugh... and I'm angry at myself for being excited about going to school tomorrow!! lol!...

I hate highschoool.

info and NEWS!

ok, so i guess it's about time to let all of my 16 year old crush anxiety out on you innocent internet people. :)

ok, so basically i've been in one verrryyyy looooonnnnnnggggggg relationship since moving out here and being old enough to know what a real relationship is. Lets call him Kevin. Well kevin and i were together since may 27th of 2008 then he broke up with me on September 14th 2009.

sooo i tried to be friends with him but he kept shutting me off so we ignore eachother now... only problem being that one of my two BEST friends (Scarlet) is best friends with kevin!.... but anyway, thats not important right now.

so i'm first chair in our school orchestra and i'm in the pit orchestra for our annual school musical. i was sooo not used to crushing on a guy because i was with Kevin for so long but then came John...... **very long drawn out sigh**** he's a junior, so only one year ahead of me, and he has sandy brown hair and the brightest most dazzling blue eyes you could ever see.... he is playing guitar for the musical this year... there's only one slight set back....... he has a girlfriend.


now, i know what youre thinking and no no NO i am not a boyfriend stealing back-stabbing highschool girl. i don't plan to make them break up. HOWEVER!!! if it happens i'm not complaining. ;)


anywho, one of my close friends, Brittany, is friends with him!!! she actually started talking to him about me and i emailed him on myspace so he definately knows who i am.

i figured "you know, he knows who i am but he'd never be into me"

wellllllll, (this was a few weeks ago) Brittany was talking to me at lunch and said that John said (actual quote from her) "Well, i'm not sure i should be with her {talking about his current g.f.} but i don't want to hurt her." brittany said "but, you want a girlfriend right?" to which he replied "well, yeah"


to say the least, I was FrEaKInG OuT!!

yeah. and i figured out his pattern. he has my lunch period but his girlfriend doesn't. he has to walk right past me on the way to his lunch table. and when he seems NOT that into me he walks behind my chair to where i cant see him and he can't make eye contact. but when he acts interested he walks on the other side of the table and proceeds to look at me.

MAYBE i am reading into it too much but i really dont care.. after the whole Kevin ordeal i havent been happy at all. i love him and i thought we would be together forever... but things just dont work out that way anymore.

sooo a few days ago, walking out of pit practice i timed my exit to where i was walking right in front of John. he was walking kinda far behind but then sped up as we went through the doors. i could see my grama in the car looking at him but didnt think much of it. so i got in the car and was like "oh my god grama... i am on top of the world right now... did you see him?!?" she just laughed.. so getting halfway out of the parking lot we caught up with him walking a little ways ahead of us. he very prominately stopped, turned, looked STRAIGHT at me, turned back around and kept walking. I MELTED.... *sigh* and i said "Grama, isn't he just gorgeous??!?!?!" and she said "yeah, he has a nice smile". i was so confused, i didnt see him smile in the short time he was facing both of us. so i questioned. she said "when he was walking out of the school behind you he was watching you, smiling, then he saw me looking at him and covered his mouth with his phone." i couldnt breath... LOL... then i came to realization, or so i thought.

"he was probably talking on the phone."
"the screen of his phone was black."

"well, maybe he was looking at someone in front of me."
"he was right behind you Kyira. i was watching him."


she had an explanation for everything!! i was amazed...
THEN, the next day, i was sitting at lunch and happened to look up to see him completely stopped a couple tables down looking straight at me! eye contact was made and i smiled and looked down... and he walked on the opposite side of my lunch table!... :D


TTHHHEEEENNNN!!! we had pit practice the other day on a snow day and i figured, ehh he won't be here. then one of the cello players, Brandon, answered his cell phone, ended the conversation with "k" and got up and walked out of the room. then came back with John walking next to him. apparently he had to let him in the school. XD

so i was sitting there, not even paying attention (i was tired.. lol) and i glanced over to him, not even on purpose and his brilliant blue eyes were boaring into mine!!!! i am a very shy person, so i think i actually literally jumped, blushed like no other!, smiled and looked down. OMG! he was looking at ME! ..... i couldnt make eye contact again for sure unfortunately but im going to try something next week to see if he opens the door for me, not as a sign but just being polite, and see if i cant strike a little bitty like 4 word conversation so i get "socially legal" permission to say "hey" to him in the hallway. :)

but ok... i'm going to get back to my book i'm writing. XD

i'll keep ya updated!!

night night
~Kyira Lillie

Calla Lily wishes...

ahhh Valentine's Day....

The worst part about being alone on the day of love is simply that you have time to watch the couples who don't even realize how lucky they are not to be alone in the world.

last year, valentine's day was amazing for me. pink and red roses annnddd calla lilies after a chick flick that he didn't even complain about.... **sigh**

But that's the past. And i don't intend on going back unfortunately.

but no, anyway, back to what i was saying:

I watch the couples around me and it seems like all they ever do is argue! I mean, I understand that relationships always have their disagreements; I am not ignorant. But on valentine's day?? really??


come on now...


Honestly, sometimes<<<now don't freak hear, I know for me this is going to sound crazy>>> I doubt love even existing anymore... It seems more like two people tolerating eachother and occassionally being romantic to eliminate their flirting desires. Like Passionate Tolerance. ({hence the domain name})

I wish people who have someone to love and someone who loves them back would just take atleast this day to recognize and appreciate how lucky they are to not be lonely.


Tis late, I'm gonee. :)

Explainations

Hello. So i finally broke down and started a blog. But i think this will be a good thing for me. I love to write as it is and I suppose I do talk to my dog much too much about my sophomore life; why not post it on the internet! Maybe I'll get human feed-back as oppossed to puzzled puppy stares.

Basic run-down:

• no, my real name neither consists of "Kyira" or "Lillie", but I shall explain my choice of closing title at a later blog
• yes, I am a vegetarian; have been for 2 years and I don't plan on going back to the average carnivorous ways any time soon.
• I am probably one of the world's biggest hopelessly romantic teenagers. (However, i must admit, my insiration for starting this blog was from reading the blog "The Life of a Hopeless Romantic 16 year old". If you're reading MY blogs, you would loooovvvve hers)
• I have almost every ounce of knowledge I can obtain about the tragedy of Titanic wired into my brain... I do not know why, but I've always loved both the movie and the event since 1997.
• I am older mentally than practically everyone my age. I was raised by my grandparents and basically grew up at age 7 or 8. (This being said, i also don't mix very well with guys my age. As if they weren't already too immature for girls mentally 16, they annoy the living hell out of me!!!)

Ok then, enough bullets. Anywho, I decided to start this blog in the hopes that someone might actually appreciate and follow my desires for the guy you read about in romance novels. The one person that you are destined to be with but have to wait sooo impatiently for.... **sigh**

oH yes, and the title of my blog. I feel the need to explain that especially:

Well you see....

after my most recent boyfriend broke up with me (I've only had approx. 3 and a half boyfriends my whole life. I don't do the little highschool fling crap, I prefer a meaningful relationship) anyway, after we broke up i realized that even though I'm in search of (forgive me for the cliche) my "prince charming", I always fall for the ridiculously immature sweet-talkers that break my heart. And everytime it doesn't work out I always hear the same thing:

"There are more fish in the sea!!"

UGHHH!!!! I despise that phrase almost as much as

"distance makes the heart grow fonder"

FYI PEOPLE: Out of sight=Out of mind! especially to the average male mind!

....... so yes, needless to say, I was pretty ticked when I heard that phrase once again. So i thought about it...... and proceeded to post on facebook:

"How come every fish I seem to catch in this sea

turns out to be nothing but a nice-looking piece of seaweed!?!?!?"

TA-DA!! I can see the lightbulbs flashing on over the heads of those of you who read the title of this blog and thought to yourselves

"What..... on..... Earth...... is this little girl smoking...."

don't do drugs. they are bad.

:)