i need a therapist...

sooo, yeah. The title says it all.

I have been SO God awfully stressed lately... I haven't been eating that much, I've been getting sooo sick to my stomach... It's just not good. I wish Mike would tell me flat out how he feels about me. I mean, he did to a point but now he hasn't texted me. Kiara and Abby swear that he's just scared but idk. He's into this whole rap thing now and he was talking about another girl on facebook and said

"So after all this time she tells me she's finally over me. Oh well. I'm me. There's plenty more."

HA! yeah, because that's definitely the way to a girl's heart "Oh, pwff, there's plenty more of you women, you're all the same, it doesn't matter"

!!!!!

ok then mike. ok.

But anywho. So I've been talking to one of my best guy friends about this and he's my own Dr. Phil. He moved here last school year and me and two of my girlfriends in physics kind of adopted him ^.^ lol. So, Dr. Phil says that he's just a jerk and I shouldn't stoop to that level but I just can't help it!! I really think I'm falling for him really really REALLY hard.... He is honestly everything I'm looking for in a guy. (I am aware that I have said that before; I am now saying it again. It's called repetition. Rhetorical strategy. Look it up.) I love his personality. It's so close to mine! I know he likes me.... He isn't clever enough to hide it. And he knows that I like him. So what's the problem? He's what I'm looking for, he admitted his crush on me, I am always there for him as a friend, he wants a real relationship, I told him I truly care about him... come ON!!

HOW HARD OF A DECISION IS IT?!?!

.... :'(

OH! and get this! I was on this question answering site thing where you find a person's page and ask anonymous questions... So I asked

"if you tell a girl that you have a crush on her, why would you ignore her and break her heart even more? Why not just be with her? You're so confusing... :/"

he hasn't answered

and then I was looking through the questions and most of them were just flirty and whatever, but one of them asked something about what he's looking for in a girlfriend and he answered:

"A best friend who'll stay up with me all night :)"

.....
i do not understand.
.....

that is ME
YOU FRICKEN IDIOT!

but ok... I am going to go write my essay for AP Language now... but I'll keep you updated.

~Kyira Lillie

forgive me. and please help?

I have GOT to stop doing this!! lol. I wait two freaking months to update my dearest internet and then I have to spend four hours explaining everything that's happened!...

Oh my...

I have got lots and lots to tell you....
Prepare yourself to be staring at the computer screen for a long while.

:)

Alright, so I left off with the death of Mike's friend right?? whoa. I really do have a lot to explain. Here we go:

So, basically, ever since then, Mike has really changed. We still talk all the time. We are pretty much best friends. He comes to me for all his relationship advice now. (well he used to until i screwed it up... but i'll explain later.) Not to mention, now I am positive with every bone in my body that I truly care about him and have a sincere crush on Mike. SOOOO ironic, considering I haven't talked to Chris since June!! OHHH boy.... gotta love life. (' ).(' )

So, we talk and I go to Office Depot all the time. He started being really sweet to me since last entry.
About a week after that happened, Mike texted me pleading, saying he didn't want to be a player anymore. He wanted a real relationship. He wanted to change. I gave him the best most honest advice I could give even though I was so hurt by having to help him through this with him seemingly not interested in me while I was crying because I was so interested in him. The literally while texting him my heartfelt advice, he says "well I met this 'Mika' girl and she's pretty cool"...

......

are you kidding me?....

yeah, he wasn't. They ended up dating. But Mike is oh so predictable. I esstimated 2 weeks for this relationship. I give him props though, it ended up being 2 weeks and 1 day. ;) yes, I am that good. 8)

So he ignored me the entire time he was with her and then texted me a few days after they broke up and started the same crap: "I don't want to be a player... Help me..." except this time we got off on the conversation of love. He was freaking out saying it was too hard and he couldn't do it and I reassured him wayyyy too much that he totally could. I was so completely obvious, but of course being male he didn't catch it. Another stab through the heart coming! He asked me to find him a girlfriend. "one gorgeous sweetheart". He suggested if I had a single friend to give him her number and I had to put my foot down. I told him that this was ridiculous and I couldn't help him. He said "why not :(" and I basically flat out told him "I'm not about to help the guy I really like get with one of my friends..." he was, surprisingly to me, astonished.
"you really like me?"

well DUHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

"you are the sweetest girl to me and I am such a douche-bag..." blah blah blah... he went on this big rant about how he felt terrible that he hurt me and everything. It was sweet, but I mean, I didn't want him to stop telling me things so I knew I screwed it up by saying I liked him. So I had no choice but to tell him that I was here as his friend first and foremost and that I'd rather watch him go through a girl a week than to become on of those girls and lose him as a friend. He accepted that and went on as if it all never happend. :/

...

But anywho, it didn't really change anything between us. He forgot about it, or so I thought, and we went on as normal. Then in just the past few weeks things changed a LOT.
We were talking one night and I finally just asked him, from a friends point of view, am I pretty? And he said "yeah, I think you are. And so do the people I work with."

WHOA. HOLD UP.

I asked for an explanation, and he didn't say much but what I've gathered since then is they pretty much know me so well because I'm always there and they talk about me all the time. One of his managers says I'm sweet and really cute and evidently told Mike that he should date me. LOL. yeah I know. (but there's more to that part of the story, I'll tell you a bit later.)

So then he started dropping hints that he liked me. He had another moment of "Kyira, help... I don't want to be a player..." I was so fed up that night for whatever reason, and I was being kind of rude: "Well, are you just going to change your mind and go find another 1 week, dumb blonde like last time I gave you the opposite heartfelt advice?" and he was like:

"I don't think so. There is this one girl that I've never dated but always liked. She is really smart so she plays mind games with me and it makes me happy. Maybe I should show her how I feel."

I knew he was talking about me because I had been teasing him and playing tricks with him trying to get him to slip up and admit anything all day long. but I simply replied "I don't care, you do what you want. It's a {insert last name} thing remember? ;)" {we have the same last name so I play off of that a lot. lol. weird I know. BUT WE ARE DEFINITELY NOT RELATED. trust me. I checked....}

But he didn't admit that he liked me.

One night, I got sooooooo angry and was just like "OMG just tell me if you like me or not!!! GOD!!! can't you be straight with someone for ONCE in your life?!?!?"
we had been flirting all day and he was giving me mixed signals and I just snapped... without warning so he was like "where is this coming from sweetie?" ..... grr.
and he still never told me.

A similar thing happened with him insinuating that he liked me and I came back with "well, all the girls I know like that aren't into the 7 day fling." he said "well it might be more" and I wasn't taking his crap "might?? She'd probably want a definite answer. " "then it would definitely be more."

that gave me more hope than anything.

(so I'm gonna go into hyper mode here and tell you the watered down version of the rest because I'm tired...)

We were texting and he was feeling down because at his homecoming dance he was all alone and was just plain lonely. so I asked him to my homecoming. (we live in different counties.) He was soo excited. Then he got sick two days before and his parents wouldn't let him come. But that's beside the point. The same day I asked him I was joking around saying "Well, just tell me if you're coming like the day before. I would appreciate not waiting around for a little skater all night ;)" just being flirty... out of NOWHERE, he says:

"Kyira, I think you're cute. I'm not gonna lie. It's not so much me throwing myself at you, but I really like the fact that we have so much in common and I think that will mean more and more to me as I mature."

I was shocked. "Where did that come from?"

"just my thoughts."

AHH!! it worked!! my plan to be friends and give him space to figure things out for himself worked!! :D

(thats what I thought at the time... now my thoughts have changed, but anyway, that's later)

then a little while later he was like

him "epiphany"
me "who had the epiphany?"
him "me"
me "OHH!! I love epiphanies, what was it about??"
him "you"


long story and many flirty threats and arguments later and he said
"I think I have a crush on you"

"you think? what I don't even get a definite?"

lol i had to push it.

"don't rush me. I'm new to this"

whoa. ok then.

but anyway that doesn't even matter. he ignored me for like 5 days after than so whatever.
so, the day of homecoming comes, (this past friday) and he can't go. But he's still going to work so me and one of my now only two BEST friends Abby drive to see him. I'm all dolled up and in my dress. And I time it perfectly because he's on break and sitting outside. So, we walk over and he acts all innocent but I could see his jaw drop with I got out of my car. 8)

So, we talked and he was bragging about girls but putting each of them down. And his manager came and was just like "hey" like I was part of the Office Depot family... I was there so much that the managers knew me?? that's sad... But then I got an explanation.

"He's the one that said you were a cutie. He told me i should date you. I was like nahhhh." then he winked and laughed with that amazing smile. I slapped him of course and he laughed and kept saying, I'm just kidding I'm just kidding! (he was kidding about not wanting to date me??then why didn't he text me for like 6 days? whatever.)
So we were talking and i had told him about my stalker I have now (long story, not explaning it......... He is a creeper though....) and Mike takes my phone from me and texts this guy
"this is kyira bf. I will whoop ur ass." LOL!!! I was so surprised... why would he do that?? why would he say something like that?? boyfriend?? what the heck! i mean, I know it was just to get the guy to leave me alone, but stilllllllll!!!!.

so then we talked a bit more and he had to get back to work. I stopped him and said now where's my hug?!? He was saying "I have strep, I don't want to get you sick" (sweetest thing he's ever said bc it was about my well being not himself!) and I said "I don't care if you have the plague" as I reached up for my hug. I got a longggggggg, very nice hug... ahhh... I was in heaven...

Then, we walked back to the car and Abby was like "Kyira, he's standing at the door looking at you!" I tried not to look but as we got in the car, I glanced and saw him with another guy (a cute guy lol) at the door talking and pointing at me. ????? I really want to know what they were talking about.....

So yeah. We texted a little bit after the dance. He sent me his latest rap and it was really good. He's going for it actually. He's making a mixtape this weekend with a real recording studio and everything... He really wants to pursue it. and I don't blame him! he's GOOD!! and I told him that, but gave him an honest suggestion to not be so obsessive about sex and how much he can get women to do.. to mix it up. he didn't say much to that. (oh, and before that we were in some converstaion and i flat out told him that I've liked him since his friend died and a big long speal and he didn't say anything.... whatever.) But he answered my long paragraph with "thanks :)"

so i said "its what I'm here for. or so i've been told."

but he didnt respond. So I'm ignoring him for a week..... I can't take this. This back and forth thing.... But Abby says that the way he was talking to me and the way he was acting and everything was NOT the sign of a player. That he has true feelings for me but is afraid to admit them to himself. Along with all his facebook statuses that are CLEARLY about me. He always follows them with a status about girls and how he wants a college girl or whatever. She says he's just playing with my head and scares himself when he posts honest things about me. He wants to make the rest of the world think hes the same old Mike, when he and I both know he's not.

so all in all i have NO clue what to do. I tried waiting, but I can't waste my year waiting around for him.... ya know?


BUT OHH!!! I also found out that we will be going to the same college!....... just my luck right? and we're both in orchestra. A definite class with him... So I will be stuck with him for the next 5 years. no escaping it. lol. I hate life....

Everyone says we are going to end up together.... but i'm tired of waiting on him... so I'm waiting until Saturday (giving on week of waiting on him to contact me first instead of always the other way around and ignoring him if he does or doesnt) and I'm texting him this:

"I have a question for you.

Flat out, straight up, no joke, don't beat around the bush I'm begging you. Am I wasting my time? yes or no. I've been waiting for things to fall into place and you to wake up but it's just not happening. I know you said before that I'd mean more to you as time goes on but quite frankly I'm not usually this patient! I'm surprised I've waited this long! lol. I need to know if wating for you is with it or not. If you honestly want me to be more than a friend or not. Even if it's not right now. Becasue the mixed signals aren't helpful. Just tell me now and save us both the trouble."

So yeah. anywho. that's just my life. lol

love you guys :-*

~Kyira Lillie

friendship confusion

You know those situations where the boy and girl grow up together, end up friends then fall in love??
well, this is NOT one of those situations....

Ok guys, I don't know what to do. I feel a lot better after talking to Kiara (love you girly!!) but you guys all know about Mike... lol. it's so funny to think of him and smile knowing that I hardly paid attention to him at the May 27th concert... lol

but in all seriousness:

I'm still talking to him. This makes it about three months. At first he was just fun to flirt with but then I started seriously talking to him. It started as not frequently at all and became more often. He isn't exactly the serious conversation type, but I try to blend it in and I've discovered that I really love his personality. I am really trying to get to know him, and I suppose he knows it. From the beginning I've made it clear that I am not a slut, I won't do anything with him. And he knows that. At the movies, yeah he joked around but he never tried anything. He knows. Yet he still keeps texting me. He keeps coming back to me. and he can get really sweet and very genuine sometimes. But I don't know.....

EXAMPLE:
we were texting a couple nights ago because I saw him saturday at work, and after like 4 hours of texting I finally asked him basically, "I still don't understand why you talk to me. lol....... I mean not that I don't love talking to you but you know I'm not what you're after." and he just said "your a friend" ....................
It shouldn't have been, but it was kind of like a stab in the heart....

I don't knowwwwww!!!!!!!!!!!! I told myself I would not let my heart fall for him! He's a player! He is after sex. I know that. and I also know that I won't give that to him! I should be touched that he and I both know these things and he still wants to be friends with me!!!!
but...
i just want....
i dont know. I don't know what I want.


I am NEVER satisfied!!!!!!!!!!


I want to be friends with Mike. I know a relationship would completely ruin that. But I want a chance to be closer to him than his other friends. I mean, I suppose, he has kissed me.... And flirts around with me all the time... Friendships can grow into more right? I thought all good relationships start out as friendships, isn't that how it goes?? But then what happens when he goes to college next year and he turns up MARRIED??!?!?! then what???!?!?! I wasted my heart trying to be more than friends when he didn't want it?? But if I walk away what if I hurt him? What if he is more genuine than I think and I hurt him by not coming out and telling him. i don't know. I'm so confused...

He's nothing like anyone that I've ever been attracted to. Usually my crushes start with me thinking: "I would love to see how we would do as a couple. I think it could work!"
but with Mike, I thought: "lol he's awesome, I'd love to hang out with him!"...
and then I started talking to him.
I found out that he is a really great rapper and he loves to skate. He's really smart and has high expectations and goals for his life. He is comitted to the things he starts, like his job. He is funny and romantic and everything I am looking for in a guy.

I am not a religious person. I believe in God, but I have serious doubts. I have only prayed four times in my life (well not five, but I'll explain that later):

1) when my 1 year old cousin fell out our bay window (8 feet off the ground) onto concrete I prayed that he would be ok. Thankfully, he was perfectly fine! No brain damage or ANYTHING serious at all!! It was a true miracle. that's pretty much the only reason I still believe in religion at all.

2) when my baby Jessy had lymphoma, I prayed that she would get better... it didn't work...

3) when my great grandmother got diagnosed with the same thing 4 months later, I prayed it wouldn't end the same way.... it did....

4) and lately, I have been praying to find my true love. I am hoping it's a 50/50 sorta deal I'm getting here! (not that I don't deeply and honestly love and miss my baby Jessy and GreatMa, but you understand what I mean...)


Everyone in my family met their now husbands and wives in high school or before!!!!! My grandparents were Sunday school sweethearts in 2nd grade!!!!!!!!!!!!! and for me it just hasn't happened. I though Kevin was the one. I believed it. But I was wrong. Everyone keeps telling me to just have fun in high school and I want to!! I am trying!! These next two years are going to be great, I have no doubt!! but I feel like something is missing... You probably think I sound like some 30 year old, single, cat lady. I've always been older mentally than everyone else my age. I have also always been a lot more into romance. I am in love with the idea of getting married and having a family. Have been since 5th grade. Ya know? I don't know why, but I've always been like that. And I have been praying and wishing and hoping that I find my true love this year.
I want to know that I have someone there for me. That I'll never be lonely.

Mike is everything I want, except for one fact: He only wants sex (well, I thought he did... but again, I'll explain later)

Well, I'll give him the benefit of the doubt: he acts like he only wants sex. And I know I can't change him. No one is perfect, and i don't want to change him at ALL. but that's kind of a big deal....

However,
He has said before, he wants a relationship, "a partner not a tag along" (his words not mine!) and I just want to be like "hellOOOOOOOO!!! Right here!!!" but I just need to know how he feels. He's told me that he's "attracted" to me and he did kiss me very sweetly, but there is a part of me that wants to put that off as him trying to play the game and purposely making me fall for him.

Maybe I'm just too much of a cynic!!!!!!!!!! Who am I to say that he has an underlying motive?!!? Or maybe I'm afraid that I'll get my heart broken by a guy who doesn't care (again). But if I don't open up and let SOMEONE in, I'll never find the person I'm supposed to be with.



I guess I'm just not patient enough.
I will give it time.
After he made it clear that we were friends, I said "in that case, I am definitely dragging you bowling" because I've been talking about getting him and one of his friends to come bowling with me and Kiara. and he said "lol do it" so I mean i guess he wants to. I asked him "so you'd be up to that?" and he said "sure" to which I replied "good, because I wasn't taking no for an answer ;)" and the conversation took off from there.

I can't just shut him out. I'm too attached to him. And he thinks of me as a friend. I should OWN that. And I will. I will be the best friend I can to him. and I'll see where it leads. I won't say anything about his little flings. He's had two different girlfriends, one a week, for the past two weeks and now he's single again. If he needs anything, I'll be there (oh yeah, i totally comitted to that!! i'll explain lol) Maybe eventually he'll grow up and realize that there's more to life than the next girl who'll hand her body over to him. Because I won't be one of those girls. I may not be a size 0000 and send provacative pitcures through text message, but I do care about Mike and he'll know that one day. What he decides to do with that information will be out of my control I guess. As much as I don't want to, I just have to wait it out.

But what do you guys thing I should do??? Seriously!!! I need your opinionssss.... lol


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


I wrote that entry on saturday night.

On Sunday, one of the people Mike knew who got into a car accident and had been in the hospitol for a week, took a turn for the worst. (He died this morning)

I could not BELIEVE the coincidence in my thinking on saturday night and then the change in Mike when I talked to him on Sunday night.

He and two other people posted prayer request status updates on facebook and I could tell it was affecting him quite a lot, so I decided to repost it saying basically to pray for him, his family and all of his friends and that I don't know him personally but I know people who it seems to be affecting. and a little while after that, Mike, completely out of character, posted this...


"Praying for {insert name here}. I've realized so much tonight and I love you all. It's so sad that I had to learn this way but I've taken life for granted and I want everyone to know I love you and I want to thank you for being in my life."


it made me cry.

so i texted him:

"hey.. you ok?"

"no"

"I'm sorry Mike..... how is he?"

"The doctors said he won't make it"

"i'm sorry.... is there anything i can do???"

"Pray. Please"

"I will sweetie. If you need anything just let me know. k?"

"Yes. Thank you"

"no problem, that's what friends are for"

"Goodnight Kyira. Thank you"

"night Mike."


......

I was astonished. I think this has changed him.


It gives me goosebumps... In a way, isn't that what I asked for?? For him to grow up??....... I feel almost guilty. But I know everything happens for a reason. I am going to be there for him, just like I said. I want him to trust me.

But thanks for listening guys, sorry I didn't use all my different colours lol. it's late and I wanna go to beddddd.

love you guys

~Kyira Lillie

Change for the better...

WOW...
I am soo sorry my dearest blog! I have neglected you this summer. I have a legitimate excuse though! I've been taking an online health and PE course (lol that sounds so weird I know.... but I HATE gym and I didn't want to take it senior year sooooo this is my loop-hole!!) and there's been quite an array of drama. I'll begin with the worst...



Well, I have been behind on my online summer class because my great grandma (GreatMa) was diagnosed with Lymphoma (just like Jessy) so we had to drive 6 hours to go see her in the hospital, then she passed away about 2 weeks ago and we had to drive down for the funeral...


Plussss,
Next week will be my 5th try to take my driving test:

1st week- failed.... not my fault though!!

2nd week- didn't have a paper

3rd week- funeral

4th week- she only felt like doing 12 tests that day and I was number 17... BUT!! I'm number 5 next week so hopefully! ;)





Not to mention, at the beginning of the summer I went away to a GOD AWFUL music camp for 2 weeks.... It was torture... They said it would be like All-State string orchestra which I was accepted into last year, but it definitely wasn't half as advanced..

However, I have MAJOR news my beloved followers....



:D


SOO, you remember Chris, the amazing blonde who sat next to me in the joint orchestra concert??? And Mike, the dark-haired angel who sat second chair in their orchestra?? Well, I don't know if I already said this, but I added them both on Facebook!! And I emailed Chris and kept trying to get him to talk to me, with no prevail... But get this::::::


I emailed Mike.... he responded!! and then I got a text message at like 11 at night and it was MIKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HAHA!!

We were texting all summer and I learned that he's kind of a player but he is super flirty which is what I wanted for the summer. He kept urging me to send a provocative picture of myself to him (not like nude or anything, just provocative) but I always stood my ground and said I just couldn't, it wasn't me. And he kept coming back to me!!! I never expected him to because I figured that he was just that type of guy that would shut me off if I didn't give him what he wanted. I even asked him about it and basically told him what I just told you and he said "well, because you're alright ;)" lol... i know.....

He and Chris live in the town next to us, about 30 or so miles away and he works at Office Depot. SOOOO every time we need ink for the printer and have to go there I OF COURSE always make sure I look just a tad bit cuter than a normal summer day ;)

Grama and I had gone there at least 4 times this summer before this last time and he had never been there... but I had a feeling about that day so I made sure I looked as perfect as Kyira-ly possible!!

Sure enough, I went over to the ink section while grama got the paper and he practically came RUNNING over and was like "What are you doing here?!?" with a smile which flattered and very much surprised me because he hadn't texted me in at least a week and a half. So he was an amazing gentleman, nothing like I imagined (granted this was only the 2nd time I had seen him in person and he was at his job) and we had a small conversation and literally as soon as I walked out the doors he texted me "Your a cutie!! ;)" lol.... To which I replied "Then why did you stop texting me??" and he said "Cause i'm a loser. What are you doing tonight?" ROFL! I know right?!?!

So..... we ended up on a date!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! kinda. Well, he drove all the way to my town's movie theatre but he had never been that far alone so he brought one of his guy friends but all of my girls were out of town or too busy!!! {**KIARA!!! :'( **} So I ended up walking down the hallway to our movie's theatre with two HOTTTT 17 year olds 0:) and who do I see walking the other way who looks astonished??? Gabe... HAHAHAHAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it was hilarious.

So, we all sat together at first, in the middle of the theatre so I figured that he may actually be a gentleman!!!

............................... I was wrong ......................

lol

He ended up getting me to the back and then we kinda, sorta ended up making-out the entire movie.........

It wasn't just like meaningless or anything though, well at least to me it wasn't... It may have simply been me falling for his well planned trap, but he was very sweet and romantic and just made me feel so special without being all serious... it was amazing. It's like, I didn't know a guy could be that romantic and yet light and comical at the same time!! It was just like a romance movie.


But now back to the cold, hard reality of my life, he has hardly talked to me since. Long story short, Abby was one of the people that was supposed to come with me on the date but she couldn't come so I texted him (in my defense he told me when we left the theatre "text me, facebook me, anything. :)" ) and, I asked him about a do-over double date and the first time he was like "yeah :) just let me know when" but the next day I told him when I was thinking and he was being all laconic and rude and ended up saying "I'll let you know." WHATEVER!!!!!! So I tried changing the subject and just tried to hold a conversation normally, but he wasn't having any of that either!! So I eventually said screw it and told him "Well, just get back to me if you want to go, if not whatever." and he was like "Ok. peace" .................. grrrrr ..........

But, let's just put it this way,
that all went down on monday, and our date is supposed to be this upcoming monday so if he doesn't text me by then, I'll be making a trip to Office Depot. ;) I won't seek him out or say a word to him if he doesn't say anything to me, but he'll get my message. I walked in there and came out with a date and I was simply wearing converses, jeans and a modest top. lol. He's the type of guy that goes a lot by what he sees.
trust me.
He will DEFINITELY get the point when I walk in there wearing the stilettos, my white short, and an amazing one shoulder top that I ordered from wetseal on that same day.

0:)



This year, and maybe even senior year, I don't want to be seeking a serious relationship. I suppose if the right guy comes along and we do end up together I'm not going to suppress my feelings, but I don't want to search and long for a serious relationship. I have discovered that even though I may dislike my body and think that I'm not that attractive, everyone else seems to see me completely differently! Every single guy that I have ever even come close to dating has told me, sincerely, that I'm beautiful. And come onnnnnnn..... I walked into office depot and came out with a date 5 minutes later!!!!!!! lol So, I've decided to make a few goals for this year:

1. I want to completely shut Kevin out of my life..... As hard as that is for me to admit because I know that I still love him, I have to let him go. He's at that boarding school now and I don't have to see him everyday so there's no point in me talking about him at all. I texted him happy birthday and I didn't even recieve a simple 'thank you'... It may not have bothered me THAT much if I had not have learned that Kiara facebooked him "happy birthday" to which he said "thanks".... !!!!!!!!! Kiara and Kevin practically hate eachother.... they only tolerated one another for two years because of me. and he can say thank you to my best friend and not me?!?! whatever. so I need to do this for myself. I may try to reconnect with him in a year or so... but until then, I need to live my own life, without him in it.
2. I also want to be more spontaneous and outgoing when it comes to guys (and really everything in my life). I'll be (HHOOPPPEEFULLYYY) getting my license next week (LOL) and I just want to go out on friday nights with guy friends or dates you know? Like I said before, I want to just flirt and have fun and not get my heart involved too deeply. Hell, I am STILLL trying to recover from my break up with Kevin and it's been almost a year!!!!! (sept. 14th will be one year... lol... idk why i remember that, it definitely wasn't the absolute worst day of my life... :'( {Jessy} ) So I just need time to have fun and let my heart fully heal so that it'll be in one piece when I give it away again.

**SIGH** I totally can't wait for junior year... 10 days!!!!! I'm so excited. I really hope it'll be a good year, which I think it will. :) I thought that because of all the bad things happening lately that my life was falling apart and I did something to deserve it. But I think I'm starting to realize that bad things have ALWAYS been happening, they never stop, and it just seems so stressful now because I was shielded from them when I was younger. Just this past few years, I've taken my focus off of myself and started noticing all of these things. It's a LOT to deal with and it's REALLY hard. But I guess it kind of makes it worth while because I've also started truly noticing the good things too. I appreciate them. Like buying my first car (OMG i'll upload a pic to the picture page of my blog!! OHH!! and PLEASE comment on my book page... I need motivation...), and going on a date with Mike, getting my hair permed (still not sure if i like it lol), and hanging out with Kiara... Things like that.

I guess all I'm trying to say is, this year is going to be different. And I can not WAITTT!!! :D

hakuna matata!! ;)

~Kyira Lillie~

Magic Irony...

I. Have. NEWS!!!!!!

OK, so I'm sure you all recall how May 27th is a very fragile day for me, as it would have been my and Kevin's 2 year anniversary... Well, due to the occasion, there was no way I could emotionally handle school that day, so we went to the mall. It was originally supposed to be Abby, Grama and myself. A girl's day. Grama would go look around at the book places and Abby and I would tail cute guys and shoe shop. But no. Nothing can ever work out right (or so I thought) because Abby wasn't able to go.

So, I woke up Thursday morning and I wasn't feeling too well... My throat hurt and Grama was in a bad mood. I got dressed and put my shopping money into my wallet. It didn't help that the aura of the day was already bitter... I just wasn't feeling it. Especially considering I had to go back to school for orchestra because we were trying something different this year with our spring concert. Our director and the director of the GRC orchestra in the next county over got together and we were doing a joint concert. We were going to have orchestra practice at the end of the day with them and then rehearsal with them after school all the way up until the time of the concert at 7 o'clock. I wasn't looking forward to it at allllllllll............

We got to the mall and I ended up buying quite a bit. (I shop when I'm upset....) I found a really cute, short, spaghetti strap dress and 4 inch, yellow wedges. With earrings and a scarf to match, I changed into it in the car and was starting to feel a tad better. We got back to school right on time and I went to orchestra feeling ok. Of course, Abby had to bring up Kevin as soon as I walked in. A little inconsiderate if you ask me... I sort of went off and told her not to bring him up ever again. But I snapped back into a good mood surprisingly quick.

When the GRC orchestra walked into the auditorium (where we were practicing) I only caught a glance of them and I wasn't too thrilled... We were going to sit side by side with the other orchestra- first chair of our orchestra (me) by the first chair of theirs, second chair by second, so on and so forth. I figured that I would be stuck next to some really amazing Asian violinist who was WAYYY better than me or a nerdy guy who thought he could play but really couldn't. I was WRONG!

Everyone behind me was greeting their stand partners and I was still sitting next to an empty chair. I turned and looked at one of my and Abby's close friends, Mary, and she was just staring right past me. I turned to see a tall, blonde haired guy holding a violin... *SIGHHHH!!!* now, you all know my weakness, when a guy wears a dress shirt casually with the first few buttons unbuttoned, untucked and the sleeves rolled up... I'll give you one guess to what he was wearing. Yep! A light blue, pin striped dress shirt, sleeves rolled up, the first 2 buttons unbuttoned, untucked with khaki short and sandals. **EVEN BIGGER SIGHHHH!!!** And he was gorgeous!!! I mean, seriously!! Short blonde hair, dark brownish-green eyes... perfect.

Suddenly, my horoscope flashed through my head. It kept telling me "May 27th will be a day of meeting new people, starting new relationships" and "the planetary alignment will make May 27th a day of love". I kept disregarding it because I was thinking "NO WAY will that happen on May 27th. nope.".... again, WRONG! lol

He sat down and said hi and I smiled and said hi back. Then Mary butted in and was like "He's not going to bite, Kyira!! You can say hi!" I turned, startled, and laughed and said "I did say hi!!!!" To which she added "noooo you didn't!!". (gotta love her) So, I turned back around to him laughing (BEAUTIFUL smile too!!!) and said "Hello, I'm Kyira, How are you today?" He laughed and said "Well hi, I'm Chris." (He is a junior; 17; only one year older than me!! )

We were just talking casually and flirting around, Chris, me and the second chair of their orchestra, Mike, who was a bit shorter, darker hair, but still pretty cute!! (it was weird getting so much attention from guys! Mike even complimented my shoes! lol) Abby and Mary kept getting "mad" at me because it was obvious that I was sitting next to the hottest, most amazing guy in the GRC orchestra (not to mention, he was a great violinist! and apparently we were totally hitting it off. )

After rehearsal, our director had ordered pizza so we ate and then had to change into our concert dress. Evidently I did a pretty good job at dressing to impress because I got FOUR compliments from the GRC girls about my hair and my outfit and such. Then I got onstage.

Chris would hardly look at me. He didn't smile or anything and only watched me out of the corner of his eye. I thought, at first, that maybe I didn't look as great as I thought I did... But I tried not to let it bother me...

We had an AMAZZZZINNNGGGG concert, ending with a full orchestra (plus band) version of Pirates of the Caribbean. Then it was over. Chris and I stood up and he finally, really looked at me and I could tell that my initial thinking was soo wrong. He smiled and said "This was great, we definitely have to do this next year." It was so obvious that he was nervous and racking his brain so hard to find a conversation topic. We ended up standing there (he was kind of in my way, not letting me leave) and staring at each other. sort of awkward but oh so sweet. Finally he like catches himself mid-stare and holds out his hand to shake mine. (I had tons of stuff in my hands so I tried to put it all down smoothly while he was laughing and saying "come on, you can do it". lol) It was like something in a romantic movie.... He took my hand and time stopped, and by the way he looked into my eyes, I could tell that it was the same way for him. As if that wasn't enough, he didn't pull his hand away, he gently watched my hand slip out of his, almost like he didn't want to let go... ***SIGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!***

We were just standing there on stage, again, sweet/awkwardly staring, and this nice blonde lady comes up and starts talking a mile a minute: "Oh!! Can I take your guys' picture??! You all were great!! This is SO exciting!! Oh, I'm sorry, I'm his mom!!" lol... and as she was fiddling with her camera, he leans down and whispers "she's crazy.." obvious embarrassment in his voice... LOL! it was so sweet.... SO she took our picture and then he walked me back to the orchestra room as we finally found a conversation topic. lol.

AND THAT'S NOT EVEN THE BEST PART!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We got back to the orchestra room and I was on cloud nine to say the very least!! I put my instrument away and kept looking over to Chris who conveniently kept looking over at me. I was talking to Abby and heard this beautiful piano music playing in the background. Then I heard singing and turned to see Chris hovering behind the piano playing and singing, looking right at me!! I smile and completely drop the conversation with Abby.

I walked over there and he smiled at me. I used my opportunity to get closer to him and asked "Is there anything you can't do??" lol to which he paused, looked up and replied "be a woman." lol... it was precious. He has my sense of humor: clever, sarcastic, flirty humor!!

I was standing there "talking" to Abby and Mary mindlessly while be pulled into another world by his amazing voice and extraordinary piano playing. When Abby and Mary had to go, I gave them both a hug and shortly after, when Chris finished the current song he was playing, I said "yeah, I should probably get going too..." He stood up (even in stilettos, he's still about a foot and a half taller than me!! ) and we both smiled. Someone rudely interrupted our staring at each other and started talking to me so I turned, answered them laconically and when I looked back to Chris, he was smiling with his arms reaching to me for a hug!!!!

I. ALMOST. DIED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He wrapped me in a warm, secure, hug and I have to say, though I was with Kevin for a year and a half, standing there by the piano with my head on Chris's chest with his arms around me was the most magically hug I have EVER received.... Of course, it was over all too soon and I slowly stepped back to look him in the eyes and proceeded to leave...

LUCKILY, I was stopped by my other director and private lesson teacher and told to go help put away stands and chairs in the auditorium. I got in there and told Mary that I got a hug (at this point about four clouds above cloud nine) and danced around collecting stands. I walked back into the orchestra room and he was now sitting at the piano. His back was to me so I didn't say anything and simply walked across the room to my other orchestra friends standing over there. I saw him watching me out of the corner of my eye so I smoothly gave them all a hug and walked over to the piano, laughed and said "do you ever leave??" he laughed and we had a small conversation. Then he scooted his chair over, looked at me and said quietly, "come here, I'm going to sing you this song I wrote" and before I could respond he started playing a beautiful melody..... I melted....................................................................

I ended up getting about 5 songs played to me with no one else near us besides Mike standing in front of the piano, looking bored and watching Chris and I.... I was in heaven.... :)

I finally put my hand on his shoulder and he looked up to me and said sadly "you have to go?" I just nodded my head and giggled. He agreed and slowly stood up, I said bye and walked out. I happened to look back to see him scrambling to collect all of his things and catch up. I walked a little slower then.

He got out in the hallway behind me and said something about forgetting something in the bathroom, so as he slipped in there, I slipped into the auditorium to get my violin. I could see him in the lobby, looking around almost frantically for "something". ;)

So I hurried up the isle and started loudly talking to Mary who was standing there too. Chris, surprisingly, waited just outside the propped open door!!! So I caught up and Chris and Mike followed close behind me to the car. (Chris was still singing.. lol. and later, Grama told me that he was singing something about "i like your smile" or something and then once I opened the car door with Grama and Papa sitting in the front, he said something along the lines of "oops! parents." lol)

I put my things in the car and turned to him and he said "See you soon" sweetly and slowly, and I said "bye..." sweetly and then we departed..... *sighhh*

It really was magical... And to think, it all happened on May 27th...

I added him on FaceBook and we had a conversation the other night for about an hour. I was nervous about it at first, but I messaged him "hey" and he responded "hey!" INCLUDING the exclamation point!!! so I was feeling pretty good!!! But then, all of the sudden he just stopped talking to me. Idk what happened, it said he was still online, so after an hour and a half I flirtingly told him he could text me... But I haven't gotten any text... So idk. I emailed him tonight about something very simple and orchestra related, very basic and vague so I'm hoping that I can pick back up a spark or two..

I suppose, whether anything happens or not, I will never EVER forget that evening.... It was amazing.... Truly... PLUS, we'll see each other again next year if we do another joint concert!... But, I really really REALLY have been praying for at least a chance with him. (it takes a lot to get me praying too... ) I've never clicked that well with ANY guy... not even Kevin at first! So, I just really want to see if this won't go somewhere... you know?? Wish me luck!!!!!

And if not, at least May 27th was a good... no... UNBELIEVABLE day. lol. And I am truly grateful for that.

~Kyira Lillie

venting. angry heart.

Why me? I don't understand this at all!!! Why is it that couples can be so alike and yet some work out and others don't! Then again, it is hard to tell whether they will work out or not... Either way! How is it that a person can be so bitter with another person in love and then be exactly like them when the situation is twisted their direction!! Not even to mention the fact that the other half of both situations are practically twins from different years as well!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They even have a freakishly close to the same ANNIVERSARY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am extremely upset at the moment. Not sure if I should try to explain and say words sure to offend someone or simply cool down with high school philosophy... I believe that I will go with the later. There is still red steam puffing out of my ears because of the intense anger. Talking about the bastard and his evil sister is probably not the best of ideas at the moment.

actually.... give me a second.

AJ;LKDSJROI$%^&)(*^&(@kHJKLJHDKJFKJHy^8&^)(*&JKJHSDJFH12@^%&$%#)@(*@+_(&$)(^&%%&$!@*&_)@&($(@$%^!@*(!)(*&@^)AD;OFIUT1348-P957036-4444NJ(&&*&#######################################!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OK. I'm a bit better.

anywho.

**clears throat**

According to biological facts, one can remain alive as long as they posses a heart and are breathing. correct? But what happens when another steals your heart and takes your breath away? For it's then that one seems more alive than ever. And when the other person thrusts your heart and breath back at you as if it meant nothing to them at all?? Is that truly living??

**snaps**

lol jk jk. i promise I'm not that conceited. :)

i feel much better now. I'm watching survivor. I hope Parvati wins again!! I love her. lol

anywhoo, I do have one other. But you'll all just have to wait. :D hehe.

~Kyira Lillie~

3 years past...

Well, my lovely interneters, I am happy to admit that I have found a new pass-time ^.^

Soooooo, I had a TERRIBLE day at school; see previous post for explanation, it's the same dramatic crap. However, when I got home I just felt.... kinda good. I put on my short shorts and strapless top and went outside to work on my nonexistent tan. I ended up cutting the lawn. I live on a farm, we have 32 acres of land, so we have riding lawn mowers. So I had my sunglasses, my iced tea (which I have a new obsession for, I'm not sure if I have said that already or not) and my music. I did the little circle area by the garden but the sun felt so good and Kayne West in my ear was putting me in a great mood so I asked Grama if I could cut the orchard. (It's really not an orchard, more or less two rows of adolescent fruit trees with a strawberry platform at one end and an arch with grapes at the other.) So I went out there and it was just so amazing! LOL. I had Breaking Benjamin blasted by that point and because the orchard is the farthest place from the house that we cut, I was singing my lungs out, head banging and drumming on the steering wheel. I undoubtedly must have looked like a moron!! But it was so much fun!!!! I had to weave around the trees and I could watch the horses in the field next to me. Then, considering the pond is right behind the orchard, I would look over and see my new found bestest friend (I'll explain Ernie later). This, my friends, is my new hobby. lame. i know.

Then I finally came in and had grilled barbecue vegetables and vegetarian chicken. (BEST DINNER EVER. yes.)

Then I went out and sat on the wooden fence and watched my horses. They aren't really trained anymore, so I try to go out there a lot more often than I used to. I even got the blanket on Rosa today and she didn't even run away!! And I gave Freckles a kiss!! Progress I tell you, monumental progress!!

And to conclude my lovely farm evening I chased my "indoor" cat around the entire barn... I say "indoor" because he is supposed to stay inside because we have had kitty fatalities by way of truck tire in the past and Salym is definitely not the brightest light bulb in the hardware store!! Besides, he's my baby, and I just couldn't handle losing my little boy right after losing my precious, little, 5 year old puppy to lymphoma... (BTW- Lymphoma wanness day= September 15th!! Wear lime green that day!) Anywhoooo, but he gets out occasionally, which really isn't that huge of a deal as he is technically a barn cat (though he was born in a drawer under my bed) and still wants to be adventurous.... It's like a blonde model from Hollywood desperately wanting to live in downtown Chicago... you see my concern. He has a plaid collar for Budda's sake!! ;) But I eventually caught him and he is now safely in the laundry room across the hall from where I sit at this very moment.



And now I am here, sitting in bed, telling you of my perfect farm day, wearing a wrap on my wrist... (mowing around those pesky trees, I twisted my violin wrist. Luckily, we don't have orchestra again until Monday due to testing, so I can get it all better in time for our playing test :) )



Oh yes! Speaking of sea monsters! ;) Ernie is a soft shell turtle that I found in the pond today! Soft Shell turtles have been my absolute favorite type of turtle since seeing them on Zaboomafoo on PBS as a child. And I thought he was a snapping turtle at first, until I drove over there and his long nose was sticking up and he was just chillin', basking in the sun in the shallow water. I'm pretty sure it was the koolest thing I have seen on this God forsaken farm since moving here 5 years ago! So I named him Ernie. It's short for Ernestaldo.





On another note, today is my baby brother's 3rd birthday. I've only seen him three times in his entire life: when he was born, shortly before his 1st birthday, then just a few months ago. I feel sort of bad today, because my mother is still in the pointless rehab that won't help her, and my brother is currently with his father (my aunt is keeping my 12 year old sister because her father is practically in the same boat as our mother). We don't have an address or anything, so his oldest sister nor his grandparents could talk to him on his birthday... I suppose things happen for a reason though.



I do have a bit of crush news though!!! ^.^





WELLLLLLLLL... I guess it's not really a "crush" more of a "facebook cutie with common interests who happens to go to my school"... lol. You see, I was on Emily's, one of my very good senior friend's, page to post a video of the lion king hula song that we were singing in physics earlier (don't ask... lol. I love her though!). I just happened to catch out of my peripherals, a very handsome guy's picture in the "friends" sidebar. So, naturally, I clicked on it! Turns out, he's a senior at my school, though I've never seen him before, what caught my eye (other than him being insanely gorgeous) was that he said he wanted to become a lawyer to help people who can't afford attorneys. I KNOW, RIGHT!?!?!? I can just hear the inevitable high-pitched "aww!!" of a charmed girl on the other end of this screen! I did the same thing... **sigh** It's just so sweet. ***stares off into space for 5 minutes***



O.o -**look on your face if you were here to see my daydreaming gaze**



yes, anywho, so I am going to ask Emily how they know each other, and if it is a semi-close to close friendship, I am going to facebook him, just saying hi, and tell him I am Emily's friend, just so it doesn't look like I'm a stalker-freak. (notice I didn't deny that though.... mwahahaha!!!.......... jk jk.) Yeah, kind of exciting. :D (I'm likin' the faces tonight in case you couldn't tell. Which is incredibly surprising given my awful day with petty high school girl drama. {I am so glad I have at least 2 mature girlfriends})





But alright, I best be off to bed; typing is kind of making my wrist hurt.



(I totally just spent 20 minutes trying to find that stupid titanic quote after the dinner scene to put here but I give up... lol. soooo, I shall settle with yet another classic.......)

hakuna matata!!!!

;)



~Kyira Lillie

best friends??

I begin to open my eyes to that which has been concealed behind shades of youthful ignorance....

I am writing a short story about the betrayal that has been thrust my direction as of the past few months; above is the opening sentence. It is not so much a structured, developing plot sort of anecdote, but rather a life philosophy sort of thing.

Speaking of life philosophy, I really want to write a book of highschool philosophy: basically all the things that I've discovered and put into words while being in highschool. I think it would be pretty kool... I have a little poem book filled with paragraphs about random things that I recently realized and things I've been through, so it wouldn't be that hard to bind it into a book. and speaking of that, I should start writing some of them here!! :) after all, what is the point of poetry if not shared with at least someone.

ANYWHO, I have a lot to get out of my system... lol... This may take awhile. (I also fixed my spacing issue with the blog!! Can't you tell!! uh, so much easier. lol)

now, **looks to ceiling** where to begin? Oh yes, we will begin with Kevin... He has really been getting to me lately... I mean, since september (the break up) he has never really stopped getting under my skin but now it's even more amplified. You see, he has been flirting and talking to one of my, now ex, best friends, Lauren.... The worst part is, Lauren always flirts back! (the reason behind the above mentioned "ex" prefix attached to the "best friend" equation.) I realize that I shouldn't let guys come in between me and my girlfriends but I'm sorry: she was my friend before she even knew him and she knows how hard it is to see him everyday without him and her being all over eachother. Lauren swears that she isn't dating in highschool and I have got legit confirmation that Kevin has recently said that he doesn't want to date anymore in highschool either. (which brings me a bit of happiness; maybe he was infact affected by the breakup.)

Luckily, and unluckily, I only have to see him 20 more days and counting... It's contridictory because I mean I truly think I hate him for all he put me through, but then again, I loved him with my entire heart for over a year and a half and now I only have 20 more days before he's gone from my life forever... I may never see the likes of Kevin again....... It's sort of depressing... Especially because we didn't end on very good terms. Hey! It's not entirely my fault though! You would be clingy-depressed-not-on-good-terms too if someone you've given your full heart to tells you "I love you more than anything, I want to marry you, I want to die with you, blah blah BLAHHHH" one second and literally the NEXT moment, you ask him which he would choose, you or some boarding school that's just going to screw up everyones life and he says "I don't know."------------- >:[

adlkchoaiw$%^&*3287jn;oc9u9hon2*q3[80dfyuqh##@ne&^o!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

yeah... I am bitter... sue me... you would be too granted that you were in my predicament.

A best friend backstabbing another best friend is the worst kind of betrayal you can have. Think about it: when you're in a relationship, no matter how stable, it always eventually crosses your mind that they might end up hurting you. and your family; it isn't a family if there's no arguing and rivalry... but best friends.... you trust them with your secrets, they listen to you cry when your frog dies, you never EVER doubt their loyalty..... until they give you a reason to..... which is what she did.... it was out of nowhere! She knew I wasn't dealing with it well, and she tried comforting.... then she ignored me and became best friends with him.

The reason I bring this up now is partially because she started giving him the cold shoulder about a week and a half ago and we started talking a little again. She even gained a bit of my trust back, but then just like before she started completely blowing me off and now they're attached at the hip even more then last time!!! I just don't understand it...

I'm a bit upset at practically ALL of my girlfriends too... Every one of the girls that I hang out with were best friends with me before they were best friends with Kevin. NOW, it seems like all of them are abandoning me right when I make a break through! I know that I've been having a hard time accepting that it's over and we'll never have another chance with each other but about a month ago I finally seemed to stop loving him. I know he'll always have a pretty big piece of my heart but I really don't think I am in love with him any longer. And right when I hit this breaking point in my sophomore life, all of my friends are leaving me for him!! OK, well not all of them... But I really only trust about three of them whole-heartedly:

Kiara- who is going to re-date a more immature CLONE of Kevin over the summer....

Abby- who is going through a rough time of her own, so I want to be there for her not the other way around... and

Scarlet- who seems to pretend that Kevin has done NOTHING to one of her best friends..... I mean I know she is friends with him... and I know she doesn't hold grudges, especially because he hasn't done anything to her, but he's still hurting me day after day.... and she keeps getting closer and closer to the back-stabbing MALE in question...

I guess I can't complain. I know there are many homeless animals who've been through worse. Not to mention, it was pretty hilarious the other day in English. See, Kevin has always been a bit worse than me in English, so being in the same English class kind of bugs him. At least, at the beginning of the year it did. Well, anyway, last week our teacher was talking about Julius Caesar (we are reading the play) and she was talking about how Caesar talks in 3rd person. She asks us something along the lines of "what kind of people do you think talk like that?" and Kevin said "Kevin does." (which he really does, ALLLL the time!! It's incredibly annoying.) I don't think our teacher heard him and a few seconds later she goes on a ran about how she thinks that people who talk in 3rd person like Caesar are arrogant and conceited!! HA!!!! It was sooooooo deadly funny to see his face! I was literally giggling. I only wish I could have seen Lauren's face but she now sits directly behind me. (She got up in the middle of class the day before that and moved directly across the room from me and sat behind Kevin... Not only that, but she MOVED HER DESK to the middle of the isle to sit RIGHT next to him!!!!!! When Mrs. Nelson told her to move back {a half hour later; she's a very laid back teacher} she threw a fight and was saying "but all the ignorant people are over there" and a bunch of crap like that!!!!!!!!!!!! I WAS ASTONISHED!!!!! She thinks she's all 'high and prestigious' because all she ever reads is Jane Austen and she has a more extensive vocabulary than the average southerner. I guarantee that if she read any of my writing, she would realize that I am her equal, not even close to below her. It's also an added bonus that I was born in the North!!)

But alright, it's late and we have testing this week at school. I still have more to vent about, but I suppose that will have to wait a little while. Till then, may you guys have better luck with life than I have this year! ;)

~Kyira Lillie

discovered passions and wasting of time

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Well, it's been quite awhile hasn't it???







My life is officially back to being utterly boring...




The musical is over. John is still with his girlfriend, and i'm pretty sure he doesn't recognize me at all.... LOL!




I'm over Landon. That was just crazy of me. But I've been through that crush before so it wasn't too hard to get over that one.

Kevin (ughhhhh) was stuck as my partner for the fricken LONGEST biology lab we've ever had! There were awkward, sarcastic remarks exchanged frequently, laughter occasionally, normal conversation periodically and we kept the degrading mumbling to a minimum... so i guess all in all it was ok. No one died. That's a pretty good accomplishment for us.




He (kevin) leaves for a math and science, boarding, college, high school that's two hours away for junior and senior year. I was kind of upset at first because that's pretty much the reason that we broke up; he was willing to choose some school over his girlfriend who he claimed he was going to marry one day... So when he actually got into the program, it was kinda like "well, I'm glad you get everything you want".






But let's not bring down the mood too awfully much. :)







I've come to the realization that I can fully stick to my vow of not dating again in high school and still have crushes. I mean, I do understand now that the male species just isn't mature enough to truly, romantically, love another being at high school age... It's just pointless to fall in love with someone who is 98% sure to to honestly love you back. It's simply a waste of my time and my heart. So I will wait until I am happily in college to date again, but I obviously can't help how I feel, so i suppose I can tease the little insignificant, heartless, jerk-crushes for the next two years. (I know, it sounds mean, but the way I look at it, if they are really "the one" then they will keep trying and if they aren't then they won't care.)







We had competition today for orchestra and we are officially the best orchestra in the state. I had a solo in one of our pieces and surprisingly, I loved it!!




I have discovered that my seemingly unwanted talent has magically and suddenly become my unrealized passion. You probably know by now that I play the violin. Well, I finally got my first chair back and ever since I have been practicing a whole lot more than usual. I usually hate practicing and wish that I wasn't so good at the violin so that people wouldn't expect so much out of me.... But lately, especially since I started on my VERY FIRST CONCERTO!!! (I'm playing Winter from Vivaldi's four seasons!!) I have been really, truly enjoying it! I'm starting to think that I didn't like playing because I have never been challenged, but now with this concerto, I just have so much that I WANT to make perfect!! who knows, maybe this will become my life. :)







But, speaking of that, I shall be going to practice now. ta-ta my internet family (that is nonexsistant as of the time being I do believe. lol)









~Kyira Lillie~

Seems Like Heaven...

There comes a point when you realize you only have one shot at life. That point has come for me. I'm done being the little, nervous, quiet girl in the background. From this point forward I am going to say what I think, feel however I choose to feel, be what ever I want to be, go after the things that I long for, and never give up my dreams.

I talked to John! :)

Strike that: he talked to ME!

Explaination:

Last thursday I woke up feeling good so I decided to look nice and do my makeup right and the whole nine yards. I chose a GOOOOOD day to do it too. I walk into the school and see John texting away walking the opposite direction as me. I figure 'OK, whatever'. So I go to the choir director to get the keys to unlock the orchestra room like I do every morning. I walk out with the keys and out of no where John is there looking at me!

"Hey, are you unlocking the orchestra room?"

{OK Kyira, just breathe.}

"Yeah. We usually do every morning." *smile*

"I went to go get a janitor and they said that Banks {(choir director=Mr. Banks)} has the keys."

"Yeah, one of us comes and gets the keys and opens it in the mornings."

*I open the door for him*

"Thanks." *smile*

"You're welcome." *smile*

{OMG Kyira, you can't just leave it at that!!}

"So, are you excited about the musical?"

"Yeah, this will be my first one so I'm pretty excited."

"Yeah, it gets a lot more fun after next weeks rehearsals til 7 all week."

"Oh, yeah not looking forward to that." *smile*

*giggle* "That's usually the week that Mr. Adams {(Mr. Adams=orchestra director)} freaks out because we don't know the music. Then we nail it the first show and it's all good." *smile*

*chuckle* "Well, that's a positive."

*We both walk out the door* I figured that would be the end of the coversation and I was totally content with it, then he turns and looks at me and proceeds

"See ya"

"Bye." *insanly HUGE smile*

I was on TOP OF THE WORLD allllllllll day long. I would have been happy leaving it at that, but Abby told me that since it was so easy I HAD to talk to him again at pit practice.

So, I did! But again, he talked to me first!!

John was on his phone in the back of the room so we walked towards him to go out the door in the back but it was closed so I was like "crap, can't go out that one" So we walked towards the front right in front of John and he was looking at the floor so I stopped and looked at him and kind of giggled. He looked up at me and smiled a little.

"There's a bubble in the floor."

"what??" *giggle*

"Look, don't you see it!?"

*smile* "huh. Yeah I see it" *giggle*

"Come here, step on it."

*i step on the bubble in the linolium floor* *giggle* "that's awesome."

(Abby) "Our poor orchestra room's falling apart."

(John) *smile*

(me) "Yeah, we're just retro like that." *smile and walk away*

I don't even know if he was still on the phone or not but he talked to me... twice in one day. I have to keep this up.

I also found out friday that his girlfriend isn't the most pleasant.

Kiara's friends Laura and Aaron don't like her. Apparently Laura told her off because she was flirting with her boyfriend. Now, I'm not too fond of Laura but whatever. Then I've been talking to Aaron a little more than average and he doesn't like John's gf either! He says that she flirts with anything that has a pulse and she's just not a good girlfriend.

I kind of suspected she was that type, because almost every time I see them together, she's always talking to her friends or making him do something. EXAMPLE: One day I walked past them and he was holding her Victoria Secret back and she said "Well the least you can do is turn it around!" (talking about the way he set down her bag). Then, Abby and I were walking down to my locker and she was talking to her friend while John was trying to put a paper in her bag for her...

It is so sad that he settles for that when a guy like him could find so much better.

But I don't think he thinks that. Kevin is the type of person who is conceited and KNOWS he's cute. But John doesn't seem to be like that. I don't think he realizes how great of a guy he is. :)

I will try to talk to him as much as I can without seeming really really obvious or stalker-ish from now on. Like I said, I have to go after what I want. I may be going out on a tiny limb here, but what's the worst that can happen?? I'm just a sophomore. Rejection will come and go in my life, I might as well try for the things I want instead of watching them pass me by. He will be a senior next year, I can't keep waiting for my "true love" to find me like I'm in some sort of disney movie, I just have to go with the old process of trial and error.

I don't know if God can help with things like high school romance, in fact I'm not even sure if I believe in him at all! But, I definitely don't believe in coincidences, so I will simply keep going on whatever faith I do have and whatever my heart tells me to do. I've been listening to my head and now it's time to listen to my heart.

Wish me luck!! :)

March text entries

OK, so I know it's been really confusing to read these so I'm going to put them all together :)

***

***

***

Monday, March 1, 2010

I despise the race of high schoolers consistent of ignorant, rude girls who think they rule the world. I'm not stupid, I know my place in the heirarchy of this school, but every once and a while, like a miniature civil war of the school, we clashed...
But anywho... I'm over it now. Like I wanted to say before:
I am now questioning John... I found out today that one of my best friends, Summer, is in the same class as his gf and Summer told me today that a few weeks ago, this freshman, let's call him Gabe, was completely trying to get her mad at me. Apparently Gabe was telling Johns gf "oh I know this girl who likes your boyfriend!" and luckily Summer save it and explained "no, she was just talking about him being in the same class as her Gabe!". Then after that she totally went off on him for me. See he sits with us in the morning and well he sees me looking at him and kinda questioned me about it but I never thought he'd do something like that!!!! Ugh!!!
This makes my hate for freshmen run even deeper... If that's even possible.
But I'm at lunch so I will finish my conversation later.
TaTa!! :)
Posted by Kyira Lillie at 12:31 PM
***
OH!! However, I forgot to mention: this morning, me and my best friend in the world, Kiara, were walking to homeroom and she said, as we walked past him, that John totally looked at me. Lol. She's great. But idk if I believe his games anymore. I'll start believing it again when he breaks up with his girlfriend.
But now Scarlet is bothering me so I have to go.
Posted by Kyira Lillie at 1:30 PM

---------------------------

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Ok... This is frustrating... We had a tornado drill just a minute ago and Landon came, completely blew off Kevin, and stood right next to me... Unfortunately I was right next to Scarlet. I felt so bad!! Ugh..... Highschool troubles.
Posted by Kyira Lillie at 10:21 AM
***
So my goal for the rest of the day, I have decided, is that I can not look at him, look FOR him, let alone make eye contact for the rest of the day (speaking of John). Which will be hard during musical out practice.... But I can do it!! :) I'm going to work on my book now. :)
Posted by Kyira Lillie at 12:07 PM

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Thursday, March 4, 2010

Decision time
So I've officially made my decision about John...
He's nice to look at, VERY nicceeee... But he has a girlfriend, and walking down the hallway earlier this morning and I was about to tell him "the orchestra rooms open" because he was going to put his guitar away and I had just unlocked the door, but walking down in opposite directions, he didn't even GLANCE at me...
I am giving up with that until he breaks up with his girlfriend.
As for Landon?? Well, he's great to talk to but when I look at him and talk to him, he looks and me and responds different than he does to all his other friends... So idk anymore. A guy like that could never like me like that.
But he's still my Ghost Hunters buddy. :)
Posted by Kyira Lillie at 8:07 AM

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Monday, March 8, 2010

I've decided that I've been very ignorant and naive about my entire life as it exsists right now.
I do not under any circumstances like Landon. That's just stupid. I think it was purely rebound and/or jealousy.
John is incredibly content with his girlfriend and shows no interest what-so-ever in me.
So as for me right now, I'm done dating in highschool. :) guys just don't have maturity in highschool. I know I've said before that I wasn't dating anymore in highschool but this time I mean it. I know what you're thinking and I mean it, I really am done.
Let me inform you, I tried almost 5 times before to become a vegetarian and I broke down after only 2 weeks tops, with no prevail. (I've now been a vegetarian for 2 years)
Posted by Kyira Lillie at 1:37 PM
***
Love is having the ability to forgive. When two people are in love, it isn't a fairy tale. They argue and hardly ever agree. But they can never stay angry for all of a day.
Love is a choice. If you are truly in love with someone, it is by your knowledge and decision. You choose each and every day to say the things you do. Love is a choice, you don't have to choose that path. When youre in love with someone, it doesn't mean that you are forced to be with them forever, it means that you would do anything to stay with them. Being in love is having the ability to work through problems to stay together. ANY two people in the world can be with eachother for the rest of their lives if they are comitted yet the same two people can be together for a short week. It all depends on which path you take.
**God, send me down the path of love and please make sure the guy that always seems to appear in my dreams is waiting along the way somewhere. And if it isn't too much to ask, please help me walk down that path to him as fast as possible.**
lame prayer, I know. But I was feeling it.
Just my thoughts.

And dreams.

And needs.
Posted by Kyira Lillie at 10:15 PM

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Tuesday, March 9, 2010

So, I am really superstitious and stuff but I kinda subconsciously know that it's just a fun thing that doesn't mean anything but occassionally I believe it.
For example- it may be a coincidence, but a couple years ago I saw 7 crow (which if you aren't familiar with the superstition means death) and the next day I found out that my next door neighbor stabbed and killed his broher!
But anywho, my horoscope today says:
"Romantic love isn't friendship, and right now you need to understand the difference. If you settle for a relationship with a friend you like but don't love, your life could become stale and lifeless. Don't ever settle for less; instead, hold out for the whole package."
So I honestly think it's a sign. I was mistaking my friendship with Landon as something that could be more, which isn't right. So I definitely don't like Landon.
And I most definitely DESPISE his beat friend!........
Ok, so I told myself that I wasn't going to talk about Kevin here, but I really do hate him. (don't anyone be thinking "hate is a strong word" because so is "love" and people throw that out like nothing!!!)
But ok, I'll finish this discussion later.....
Posted by Kyira Lillie at 1:36 PM

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Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Forget about Kevin, I've given up with that. I mean, don't get me wrong I hate him with a passion but I don't want to talk about that.
I have bigger news.
So, one of my best best friends who I seem to be getting a LOT closer to lately, Abby, is basically the only person short of Kiara that I talk to about John. But anyway, I'll tell you what I told her:
Well..... So the other day (I'm not sure if I told you this or not) John was totally stalling. After pit practice I was talking to my orchestra teacher and us three were the only people left in the room. It seemed to me that John was doing everythingin his power to stay in the room. He was messing with his shoe, playing with the piano, anything! Finally I guess he realized that I wasn't leaving so he walked out of the room slowly.
:)
Then yesterday, (it was probably because my two friends and I were laughing really hard but) he kept looking at me.
It was always me never the other two. Meanwhile I was texting Abby every chance I could get and she finally said "this guy seems really into you! You should go for it! You need to go after him ASAP!!!"
I asked her what I was supposed to say and she never really gave me an answer. So I tried to improvise but my plan was taken out of motion when he was on his cell phone and ran out before I could even put my violin away. I figured hope was lost but then Grama let me drive home and I pulled up to the stoplight RIGHT next to his car and his mom was driving so he was in the passenger seat LITERALLY TOUCH DISTANCE AWAY!!!
Needless to say, I was freaking out. I looked over there but he was talking to his mom but I thought I saw him turn back from looking my direction but I'm not positive. Either way!!!!! I was insanely ecstatic!!
Abby says I need to talk to him and I know she's right but I'm not sure what I should say??!!!! I mean, like I told her, I have to have a conversation topic planned otherwise I'll probably walk up to him, say something about peanut butter and run the other direction! Ok maybe not that severe, but you get the point. :)
The musical is in two short weeks. After that, I don't have an excuse to talk to him. So it's set, I have to say something this week.... I don't know how this is going to go, but I'm going to go for it.
Yes yes yes. I know I said that I wasn't dating in high school but I mean technically I'm not so I haven't broken my vow. The thing is, John seems like the perfect guy for me.... Blue eyes, older than me, cute, musical, sweet, adorable, funny, gentlemanly, HOT, taller than me, good personality, DROP DEAD GORGEOUS!!!!!!!
So I have to do this. I'm not going after some average high school guy, I'm going after my DREAM guy. Surely there's a vow exception for that. :)
Posted by Kyira Lillie at 9:40 AM

No thank you dream catcher :(

Well, I had the most bizarre dream last night and couldn't wait to write it down.

Alright, first I have to kind of update you on some people. So, you know Kevin... well, before I went out with him I actually had a major crush on his best friend, Landon. Also at this time, Scarlet liked Kevin (she even went on a date with him... very awkward....). But a few weeks ago, Scarlet told me that she likes Landon!! Now, Scarlet, Landon and Kevin have all been great friends since before I met them so this was a HUGE shock. But on Wednesday last week me Scarlet and Landon were all talking in English but.... uhh.... Landon kind of ignored her and was talking to me almost the entire time! I couldn't be rude not to mention I am a talk-a-holic so of course I was joking around with him and talking up a storm.

After that class I apologized to Scarlet and said that I wasn't trying to flirt with him or go after him or anything like that and she told me that she really didn't care if I did. She said it was just too painful to like him because she "knew" she would never be with him. So she claims now that she doesn't like him.

And we have a problem...

........................

I think maybe possibly a wee bit slightly that my tiny crush on him is coming back....

BUT I think it's partially sub-consciencely!

{which brings me to my dream}

ok, so last night I had a dream:

I was at my house along with like all my relatives and John was there with his girlfriend and Landon was there. So, it was kind of a weird dream because it came in little parts; nothing really flowed right. Kinda like random scenes mixed around. One time I went to my room and John was sitting on my bed and he smiled at me, then he was kissing his girlfriend in the basement, then he like winked at me and then he was playing around with her outside. In between some of these random scenes were just me and Landon having friendly conversations, like we do at school, just joking around being friends.

So you know that feeling you get when you like someone and they notice you; that stomach-dropped butterfly sorta feeling? I DIDNT KNOW YOU COULD GET THAT FEELING IN A DREAM!!!! but apparently you can.

So after I saw Kevin and his gf outside walking together I was kinda bummed so I got my laptop and sat on the couch. I was looking at like cars or something and Landon came to sit next to me. We were just talking about the cars and stuff, laughing and having fun and then once we stopped laughing, he randomly put his arm around me.

my.... stomach.... DROPPED

what the heck!

What's worse?? In the dream I smiled!!!

Then I proceeded to put my laptop down and lay my head on his shoulder! He kissed my forehead and wrapped his arms around me!

even if I was asleep how could I betray Scarlet!....... I don't know...

But I didn't want to wake up......

It felt amazing to just be curled up with someone who seemed to actually like me.

And I'm ashamed to say that two thoughts were going through my head when I woke up:

1) the phrase "All is fair in love and war"

2) I wanted more than anything for that dream to come true...

ugh... and I'm angry at myself for being excited about going to school tomorrow!! lol!...

I hate highschoool.